Nostalgia

Had things been okay yesterday... i would have posted about this..
I guess i just wasn't in the frame..
Well, never mind...
So as 2nd  March arrived ..i was woken up by my sisters voice...."fatty wake up...you have to come with me and see me off before i go in for my exams "...haha... i sleep in the morning...better if i say london timings..:P my friends will agree...
so i had to drag myself out... and leave quick before the panic would strike...
When i reached her board examination center ...I was just filled with this dramatic nostalgia .
Back to school days... the rush of studies... meeting school buddies everyday... the insanity... the rules... the responsibility ...being a bad ass at times...breaking rules... defining examples... the captainship ..the competition ... and memories memories memories.
..coming to exams...i dread them till date... and will not leave my books till the last bell goes off..
i can't say what kind off a student am i....but i am a learner....:)
10th standard... the last time i saw all my friends together at one place....
how we have moved on... different lives..different dreams... different personalities...n yes, different set of friends...
if there was a chance to live back that moment...where i get to see them all together...as them then..n not now... i wouldn't miss it ...
what a day yesterday was...
but we still gotta live the today....
and strive for a tomorrow .....

come what may...those memories...won't ever fade away....EVER...!!!

since i am talking about nostalgia.....my sisters examination center had these pretty morning glory flowers ....one of my favourites from childhood...i use to tell them hello everyday before i left for school...and when i saw them yesterday... i just had to capture them ..


i also met snowy there..... and i'll let you know who snowy is tomorrow...

take care..:)

Fed Up...But..Not Giving Up..

So today, I couldn't just keep it to myself, with all that happened a little while back.
For a long time now I know what it feels like to go to bed being unappreciated and wake up  with voices screaming, yelling  and taunting , scolding.
Being made to feel that nothing I do or did makes a difference.
I don't even know how do I manage to survive this battle each day.
If it would have  been a 'sometimes' story I'd probably not hate myself for being around.
But now, I do. yes, I very much do.
Hate myself or not being able to decipher where the hell does the fault lie, Hate myself for not being able to change it. Simply hate myself.
It sounds apathetic I know, but it can't be helped. I rather say what i feel than make it all flowery and fill it  with words i don't.
The cruelty of insomnia that doesn't seem to abandon me.
 The passage of time just leaves me baffled as i wake up each morning and go through these gamut of emotions within a single day.
And then there are days when my life state screams for an explanation . I guess, today is one of those. I sit quitely next to window as tears build up and thoughts drag me into a whole different world.
 The gratitude diminishes to zero. I wish i could break my knuckles to feel the pain of something else than the harrowing feelings trotting all over my mind.
People talk about sacrifice ..well..lets be fair, everyone does go through his/ her share of sacrifices why just count yourself to be the only one..!!! the harsh behaviour . more than a dozen of restrictions. put me through this awesome jog everyday ..and don't expect a breakdown. excellent, thank you for forgetting I am human too. ..and my life is no even  or barrier free.
For how long now, should i listen to those bitter words over and over and over . Believe me if i had a way out, i'd pick one ..but wow, the best is when the reason for the delay of things working out is known to them and yet they dont fail to make it worst.
 I put in efforts, try to make them laugh, smile , have tinnie arguments that are nothing but kiddish . But i guess it just don't work. No matter what is done...a daggers of words will always be there to cut you down . Sometimes i wonder what my value really is? and if there isn't any then frankly i don't belong here. this solid ground should crack open  and i should vanish into it. Hyperbole? well walk in my shoes for a bit ..hear everything that i have so far ..i'll buy you a promise that you will  not say that was feeling of exaggeration on my part .
 I dont say i am thankless or ungrateful ...Nor do i say they don't do things for me or aren't wonderful ...but its just too hard to take in all that happens. all i want them to know...dont count me as a target of uselessness. I am in a place where too many things are happening. And i do understand all that they go through. its the conduct thats unfair. its their attitude towards me thats unfair.
If somewhere only they knew how much i hate my birthday because that day has become the least meaningful day of my life. I wish i was unruffled by all these situations. But..I am not. ..After being said ..i m this..and i am that.. and i am not them.. or like those other kids or who so ever. I wish i could tell them- look this is my journey and that was theirs .. and i for one lie with no right to judge it. i am different so are they ..why not look at it like that.
I just hope they realize one day that i am not a bad child.....and if i really am then God bless their life with someone better.
 I am 22 ..and as i kid ..i had hoped that when i grew up life would get a whole lot better...well who is wrong when they some kids can be dumb. i guess i was one of those.
 i waited ..waited for somebody to come along...or the the ones that are there , to understand and accept ..and thats where i feel like a failure . there is so point of such wishful-ness ...atleast i have come to see so.
I am not the only one in this whole wide world who is upset..or is suffering or whatever that is....but yes...it's a number of people out there...and i am just another one in that club. Whatever they are going through i wish they get the strength to deal with and win over it!
I won't back down from this road i am walking on...there are chunks and chunks of rocks to move and to my learning thats not a painless effort .
I just wish...my life offered me someway to make them happy...... and i believe that day will arrive!
 Oh boy! I am done venting for now.

Just on a lighter note- what if I had been a bad kid??? mean , nasty...a terrible.. insensitive child...just what??!!!! atleast i wouldn't be writing this blog post...:P
kidding...
I'll dig my way through this heat!!!
also i won't lie....What ..A ..Fucked Up ..Day...!!!!

Dinner With Friends :Prithvi Theatre :)

Today wassss a tiring day ...
I am not complaining , a tiring day is better than a idle day :)
the best part was the evening , a play at prithivi theatre after yearsssssss .. i'll keep the play ticket safe and as a fond memory ...
Dinner With Friends -the play was fantastic . ...what a great job by all :)!!!
and then Mr Shashi Kapoor was also watching the play.. there couldnt be greater moment for me , to be the same room as that wonderful man. all my respect.
i wish i could gather the courage to say a few words to him....buttt...
I just hope...i could hug him and tell him thank you....
thank you for still being a person from whom i can learn and hope to inculcate.
you know they talk about being humble ....i admire that about him :)!! God Bless Him...
i had a great day.... :)

the ticket-Dinner With Friends :) ..and my av:gold bangles :)

Sparrow

Sparrows aren't exotic birds of course.. but they are cuteee
well, atleast for me
i had been trying for a while.. to get my camera lens to meet their perfect pose but they were tooooooooo quick and would just fly away
however.. today, i managed to catch a pose by one
haha how i wish they knew...i was just a friendly photographer ..
anyway...
here it is

Valentines 2012

Because i didn't want to leave this month..without sharing about that day for which this month is known
yes, Valentines Day
where most new couples must have worked at making this day special for one another.. i barely had the time to even  think about Mr Right..:P
the day was hectic , running pillar to post , a chaotic bedroom , not catching on the romantic movies being aired that day.
ahh...it was just not fun
so evening before i got back home... i went to the beach, there is something beyond the boundaries of 'just' magical..to watch a sunset. the beach was really crowded that day, well it had to be..and oh my..the high tide . it wasn't peaceful....it was noisy ...BUT..beautiful.
the night was a party time and i wasn't  interested at all...loud music, voices and more voices, food galore, philosophical discussion and the jog back into memories. ...well, i decided to stay aloof..just waiting for the day to end..get back home and crash.
but...in all of this...these beautiful lil things is what left me smiling ..:)
here..take a look...

someday...again...

At this dead hour..
when thoughts are wide awake...
the laptop- promising to stay by until the charge runs out..
everything lies here in a mess....unsorted...
i ran through some pictures...taken outside  the class.. i had been going for past two weeks..
and today being the last...
i know...
i'll miss it..
a quick dialogue with alive and barely alive greens around...
here are a few of them...

Never Again

I never thought

that the hands of time

would draw us apart

and leave me with memories

that turn me cold



All of it as though burst into flames

and now we are strangers

-such- the ones- who know each others names



All this anger

along with the palette of doubt

brushed the happiness away...




Did all these sorrows

ever help anyone find a way?

and

have those unsaid things

ever failed to complicate the dismay?



This loneliness ..

left me bitter and broken..

following the walks of a shadow now

the feelings burns these bridges

and the distance says it all

i thought i had my heart in place..

was it mine? oh no...not at all.....



The trick of luck

it nipped away the fancies and beautiful desires

and brought me

all this mystery

that has me defining a warfare between two hearts....



I fall on my knees..

agony dances at the rhythm of my breath

these riddles and unknown answers

born to blind love's way

could only spell a defeated wish-"someday"..



The prison of thoughts

makes me scribble

two words..

every now and then....

and at every sound of love ...

it reads it aloud ...as...

"never again"...





p.s. dedicated to ....i don't know who..:P... well...someone...may be....:P

Can We Do It???

Will I LOSE MY HOME?

I can't term this as genetic fear when the boundaries set- are by my own mind. It's often difficult to decode the spluttering sounds in the head. It's weird yet true that man definitely is one of the most capable and inventive beings. Often extracting inspiration from his natural environment and slowly eating up that home where he dwells -his beloved planet.I don't know if it ever has or ever does occur to him that apart from here we have no where else to go. No matter his indigenous and amazingly remarkable ideas that tower day after day, I hope, he is aware, it's not within his humanly power to create another planet and substantiate it. As mechanical life gets with each passing  day, in this rat race that we have ushered and we proudly groom ourselves in the 'touch era', where virtual space commands dominance over our behavioral pattern now, are we forgetting to get back to the real medium of joy and the source of our being - "NATURE"..?

As I slowly prepare to launch a new me every next day rather than lying there doing nothing and waiting to be devil's bait, I am pushed  to see how carelessly still...I let time flow and fall, before i know its gone and now on the brink of no return. This gigantic wrap around us- urban jungle to be precise- would be just another non- functionable model ..set up by man if nature hadn't lent itself. It would be shameful to say that we have taken nature for granted. As progressive as we are we have walked way ahead than just merely taking it for granted. We may be the artists making these enormous dream cities but we aren't the architects of Nature , who works untiringly from moment to moment while we are busy plundering from it ruthlessly not realizing that  we are inviting a future that would leave us handicapped .

Modern day crisis - a rising devilish challenge- the devastative side of technological revolution seems to be gaining power as one day leads to the next. Nature- A Mother- her sublime lessons , as giving as she is, she could lead us to resent if our attitudes don't change in time. While what you and I would think is unfair , if she flares up with anger it would only be a rightful do on her part.

Our level of planning, execution and creation is way below the subnormal levels of what lies in Gods hands. For those out there who don't believe in God, you can't deny that the universe is in a constant state of flux and that anything can happen anytime , anywhere. Like Sean O'Casey said - All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. There is no element of doubt regarding man's achievements being phenomenal and the fact he keeps taking leaps along the hands of time...and he should....BUT..not at the cost of toying around with nature.

She is the most beautiful thing you will see in all your life. Her canvas is unending and keeps you and me breathing . If lost ..what would cost us is unimaginably expensive -its our Life. I haven't seen my tomorrow..I bet you too haven't and it would take countless lives to explore all this Nature - a precious gift that rests in the palm of 'each man'...Why exploit that in this one Life that we have?

The only promising solution is to live, love, enjoy, treasure and promote further growth of this enchanting carpet of beauty around us...

rather than waiting for someone else to take the first step

rather than thinking 'how' for so long..that it wouldn't matter 'cause its will be lost

rather than weaving conversations on the web 

rather than letting the flames of our actions devour our only home

rather than just- waiting for another choice........

Frankly...there "ISN'T"...any...

Its not necessary to know it all....but it is necessary to know..that which is enough!

I conclude with the line of BBC series on Human Planet -

Stop Stripping Nature Bare With No Thoughts Of Tomorrow.!!!

Can We Do It????

                                                                 (a small portion of my conversation with nature)

Lessons...from the War Horse

A week ago..

Today..was just another saturday..
A alright morning
And the alarm whimpering at my idea of sleeping at waking hours
Off lately , i have been laid back for everything..
well, only if i knew the deal, i''d probably not be lost in this bizarre -so to say- never ending maze.
there are days when sitting by the window over looking the street isn't enough
there are days when listening to  the clock tick tock  isn't enough either
there are days when voices in the head need to be put to a rest...
there are days..when you need to listen to your heart..and not strategize
there are days when you have to let the fire of belief within you outshine every calamity trying to tarnish your soul.

for reasons ,today, i just wanted to stay away from the faces i knew.
escapism is the easiest tablet in such situations.
i am growing inseparable from this habit now as terrifying it is.. i am happy that i am aware.
change will walk in and mend things for me one day, i assume.
quietly crawling away  from - what can i do to change this?

the factor called prayers- resorted to - only when i feel i need it...
i am so wrong there..
not realizing  its so crucial..
so strengthening ..so enlightening ...

the broken hopes
the hurt...
scream...scream their lungs out..
the voice..but mute..
it makes me want to turn around and  walk away rather than staying there and slapping the moment of dis belief  dancing around me - saying- this is you...this will always be you- defeated...
i fall off from the tracks of going the right way
i walk....walk back to me...
quite, unknown, for ever wondering...forever whining...

so the today...afternoon..just came about...
i took my bag...
left to watch a movie...
haha....as always... i was late...
unable to decide...which one should i see...
though i had heard about war horse...and was wanting to see it ever since...i was 10-15 mins late already...
so i thought....na...i can't see that...
but then...i wasn't left with any choice...

horses...alwayssssss have been my love..
as a kid...and till date..
they are such magnificent creatures....

i wont lie... i did cry...it was a beautiful movie...well, atleast for me it was...
Joey (the war horse)....was the hero...

 i walked out with lessons learnt...
the bonding between albert and joey ,amazes me..how wonderfully can a animal understand and love us so well...
there was rigidity of the hearts shown...
but so was kindness...
there was beauty of nature..
so was the hideous side of man..
there was love shown...
so was...how sometimes...people can walk over your emotions...even if they are your people...

i learnt...the carpet of goodness..doesnt lie on the vast and open paradise..
if we open up our hearts with love...
and embrace changes in life...its right there...
it doesnt happen overnight...but it can happen...

how albert never gives up on his love for joey...left me teary eyed...
they way he comes running to him wounded...while albert was blinded due to gas..
how the separation due to war...never ever separated them...
i could just go on...

it taught me....love.. is something you cant give up on...never...
if you value someone..or something... there is definitely going to be a
struggle to keep that person wrapped and warm  under the wings of your heart...
a relationship is not a job...that you get into and walk out of the end of the day...
the relationship is a definition of you.. every moment..of every day...
be it your relationship with your parents, better half, sibling, mentor, pet, hobby, passion....for that matter your relationship with God....
you have to go on....even if things wrong (no one promised you that they won't)....you really have to toil ...and put in  every bit to fix it......may be broken a thousand times...may be too hurt and tired to try it again...may be ..you just want it to end.....may be....
i have been relying on this may be...all my life...
May be tomorrow...will be my day...
i'll tell you this....the may be...never got me anywhwere...
it could never become my torch...
it never made me a better person...
it just made me highly dependent and uncertain ...
...today ...i looked at this may be...as it glared back me ...
and felt....let me replace this may be with trust...
trust...of not failing.....and if at all failing- then only to rise better...

bitter things dont bring joy...
not to anyone...
but...if albert would have given up...on receiving the letter...saying that joey was being ridden by the officer who died in the action......he would never reach there...and battle ...and get his horse back...
he surely wouldnt have...
i watched that thinking...at times...we give up so soon....and regret later...
we know...its never too late...
but what if....one day it is...
before what we love...slips away from our hand....let us love it so much...that when tomorrow happens...a chance to do so..isn't lost..
it takes courage....abundance of it...
but i'll say take the first step...
its the only way to begin......even if it is towards your dreams.....even if its slow.....doesnt matter...just follow it...

Joey's love for topthorn ....i had no words there...and i still don't ...
the moment when topthorn passes away......and joey feels hurt...yet gallops... gallops and is caught by the  barbed wires....shows...life isnt easy....not for you...not for me...not for them...!!!. we alll have battled nine months...not knowing what this world is...and wanting to come into this place....and now that we are.....there is no point quitting....there is surely a point in taking/making better decisions.....but not withdrawing from something you can make happen. love is one of those. crazy...painful...yet indescribably beautiful and so are the other situations in life. It takes tremendous courage to believe in yourself- to make it happen and leaving no stone unturned to do that. and once achieved ..the delight is all yours to relish.

emilie...well...i wish i was her....the  so called boss...:) she had a short role....but a beautiful one...!!! i loved the relationship essayed between her grandfather and her. just so real. her love for joey...was so natural.
in life too... i wish we could at times...not bother about reactions...and the world around us..and just be ourself.. we are so held back by these man made and mind made boundaries . we dont even give ourselves the freedom to be who we are at times.

and..then..i walked back home thinking about the words in the movie...'remarkable horse'...'miraculous horse'....wondering....who has hindered us from becoming...'remarkable ...and ...miraculous' ......who really has...??? and even if the cuts of time...have given us scars and wounds....its left us with stories to tell.....
stories...of life...
stories..that rather be lived today..then put to slumber beneath the blanket of tomorrow...

this  rather looks like a troublesome weekend for me....but what the heck.....i'll push through this too....:)!!!




albert and joey.

Awake in your Dreams

While you are awake..
Awake in your dreams
I sit by the side thinking
Why does this mistake follow me around
And the worry keeps me chained to the ground
The walls of my heart
Feel the tears running down
This trouble, i say..has owned me for life
Waiting for tomorrow
But the story never changes
And why would it matter to you
While you are awake
Awake in your dreams...