Hatred+Jealousy .. Confusion+Anger ... Friendships...Life ...Love... Failure...Gratitude and a Story

Well , It's been a while.
Things have kept me busy. The platter was almost next to full. Nothing really productive about the full though.
College life is hectic. Submissions and presentations have grilled me like some toast. Though all of them have been really good..I can't say I am confident enough. I guess.. I never was.
Sometimes its difficult to accept that the rules are different for everybody. People two year younger to you could actually give you a run for your money and are acing the game that you thought you knew well and could handle it smoothly. Past few months have been a lot running around and ending up with nothing. It hurts. When you lie awake till 6am and sleep up till 11.30am... and wake up all grumpy and annoyed. yeah well..sleep and me...dont get along that well.
This emotional tangle has been driving me to my wits end. I miss the old me terribly. I am away and shut most of the time. Arguing angry ...like wanting to pick things and throw them and watch something break. Ofcourse there are reasons why I am feeling like that and writing them down is only going to make me cry and wake up with swollen eyes. So I wont go there.
Hatred and Jealousy seem to be at the hilt over the past few weeks. The the way a few people conduct themselves kind off upsets me at times..... ummm.. most of the times. I don't retaliate like a volcano .. no point. I have even some where stopped praying or having faith. Given up on a certain things and people. Lost a count of the deadlines i didnt keep upto for myself. Don't recollect the last time I met my best friend. Its just been such a "this is not the life i ordered" phase. Even art fails to bring me peace these days..and Facebook doesnt make me smile any longer the way it used to. A lot has changed and a major portion of that -alot- isn't what I needed. But who said that I get to make choices. Life still plays its card and I still make those rookie mistakes. Gosh ..Where am I????
As far career things go. Eh...no clue yet. The diploma will get done my june and post grad diploma by july. Where did the year go by ...No idea.
And when will design make an entry in my life as a career option ...for good... no idea about that either.

And to my friends... with whom I haven't kept in touch for longer than I thought. I won't say sorry. That word has lost its meaning over the years. But I will tell you ...I miss you and I haven't forgotten you...never will. And I hope.. soon enough I get the time to catch up ..or if not.. then chat up :)!! Thanks for being there.
As for new friends.. well.. I am living it up this year in college as far as friendships go and I do ... sincerely hope that once the term ends.. the friendship arches down to many many more years. Seemu.. yes.. finally I am addressed by nick name than my actual name.

Life has got complicated and confusing and there is this sickening feeling of...no progress. God knows WHY! But a talk with a friend cheered me up last night while I was in no mood to even look at the adorable two bars of chocolate. I was totally off the tangent...angry..weepy and thought I couldn't keep up.
But well... A friend in need is a friend indeed.

There is one advice my Doc gave my Dad- Leave her alone and let her be. I wont say he has kept to it even a little. But my doctor could see through. Well he is like a Grandad and for that I adore him.  I better start keeping the promise I made to my doctor.

Love...Oh Sweet Love. Of all the things I know...I know Love doesnt come easy and if at all its easy..its not worth it. I am not saying Love should be hard....but ...Love does arrive with its own set of 'this and that'..'then and now' 'if and whys'....'forever or never'...!! I remember the person I fell for when I was 16 ..and I like the way history has repeated with my sister... I mean not love wise.. just the way "the meeting" happened.. and oh yeah its the same person. Its a blessing she doesnt Love him... I don't still either. But I do remember how much I had prayed for days together for this one person and I am glad to see things I wanted for him come true. I don't mind being Friends though.
Besides that .. I see the way Love has come and gone off in my "xzy" friends...and Friends... and more friends lives and all I have to tell them ....is that Love has to beautiful... just that.. and nothing more.. it has be a journey filled with smiles ...memories that could hide up the tears in your eyes ... moments...words...and faith. Thats all...!!!
And well my sister wants me to get married asap.. so that I can have babies...and she can play with them. Eviliest younger sister...could be the better way to put it. Its good to see her grow...not good to see the way things are going though. Well..she will learn in time... despite of the several warnings that she hasnt paid heed too. and her..."not at all cool/accepted" conduct... I think...I need to let go. I have done what I can as a sister...beyond that...the lessons are meant for her.

Failure...is ofcourse harsh. To tackle failure as a lesson and not as a stagnation point needs alot of knowing yourself. And I think its crucial to be thankful to the events in life that lead you to fail no matter at what front and at what time frame in life. If you do look back... it is all these failures.. or all these people who kept looking down on you at some where worked as a catalyst to make to strive that extra bit. Its a Thanks to them for it...no matter who they are!...Its good to have someone.. who can point a bullet at you and tell you  that you are going to die...and you laugh it off like life is a forever promise... and bloody well prove it to them too.

As for the new love....BEN RAFTER...oh what should I even say. I love him ...thats it.
Being a ardent "FRIENDS" fan I never thought I could move on and go on to discover a show that would get all my love. But here I am.. and Packed To The Rafters is my ONLY dose of sanity in the whole day. What a brilliant family drama.. lovely characters etched well..and what a cast. Oh I could ramble on this for hours together. Its made me cry ..like literally and laugh as well.
And here is to my recent fav. line from the show -Thats the thing about kids.- we all grow up eventually ....even though it hurts like hell.-athan.-

Thats all for now :)

CROWDED HEAVEN

Wake Me Up From This Broken Dream pleaseee!!!
2012 gone by in a blink... whats left to recollect is how I called in that "famous all over the world calendar year " and this "I am glad you came.......well lets see year"!! Studies and Exams it was... gosh the academics out here I tell you.  One can go on scribbling answers over endless pages and land up being nothing but raw when in the industry !! Time to pull up the sleeves and dive into practical learning now- like HIGH TIME!!!
Sometimes... all that one has planned  about just seems like a mirage, it draws you in and then leaves you disappointed .
I am still on the road with too many curves and bends. Yes, there are days when I wish for an easier way to be out because sometimes all that happens is a little too much to deal with at one time. The road gets blocked , the vision gets blurred , the story sounds like a broken record and the only thing your heart can manage to mutter is - Give Up Dammit.... just Give Up!!! Like and unending -clueless-pointless-emotionally and mentally draining maze!
Who are People? The wide- and so to say "wise" audience who judge us or that tiny inner voice that keeps squeaking a zillion things in a single go?! seriously who are people... the one you see... or the ones who see you??? .... the ones you know... or the ones you don't .... ??? or just one person .... its all that "people" you and I talk about .....??? and if at all it is that one person... then its YOURSELF!! Come to think of it ... what matters at the end of all the Who's is .. which one manages to take the lead - to make a difference in that bit of YOU!!! People aren't just additions ...they aren't just shades ..they aren't just numbers and voices.... its a summary of YOU!!!  How and When.. turns out to be a gradual process. 
Now... whats Heaven ??? ahhh...Happiness....Isn't it?
And What's Happiness???? making money ? topping an exam? making new friends? overcoming fears? talking to someone? meeting a person after ages? creating something? all that materialistic paradise? reading on a rainy day with hot chocolate milk ? a bike ride in winters? shopping? making people smile? breaking someones heart? being the love of someones life? facebooking? sports? making music?writing? star gazing? long beach walks? a kiss beneath the moonlight? a slow dance? a basket full of garden fresh strawberries ? watching little babies? photography ? nature? adventure? getting married? celebrations ? getting a deal? hearing i love you /miss you .. all those you's? watching a movie? a hug? moms shoulder? dad's advice? petty fights with siblings ? painting? travelling?making the dreams come true ? peace? moreeeeeee.......and soooooooo much...to add on to the list....... Just what is this happiness ?- Victory that prevails or Victory that fades... ??? Victory that you need? Victory that you earn ? Victory that is yours to call... or gifted by the world???? Is Happiness Victory........YES it is !!!! Its just like A Cake!!! We all Love it .... but  we like our own kinda slice... with our choice of icing, flavor and our bit of Heaven ....!!! We spend all our life  trying to grab a bite of this "customized" Slice!!!! ...and the only job left on us to do .... is... when we have grabbed that very bit ... of the heaven ... we gotta make it WORTH IT!
I have been busy like a rat trying to find cheese all day  (sorry to get into food... its ticking 5.00am in the morning and all I can  think about is food)... my heart took to penning anger and sadness due to various reasons... one of them being ... is feeling- of a loser..never good enough ... not even tiny bit capable.....
another being... the oh so family "much needed drama".... gosh they can never read me true...
and then ofcourse the one festival..college festival ..which I was working towards with all my heart and creativity... gets scrapped...
a wedding...... God... I just can't seem to enjoy them .. especially when there are streaks of jealousy... and the whole alienated feeling.... seeping in through and through and ripping you till your emotionally low and leveling up on anger ... anddddd....when in a roooooooooooooooom full of crowd... no matter where you walk up to... you are ALONEEE...
the sudden distance with friends... due to what so ever reason...
the no job....no money-- death rope...
the no weight loss...
the mounting expenses...
the "i am soooo tired to putting up with that smile"...
the " i miss an idiot" feeling....
and i could justttttt go on.......blah bleh blue.............kinda goes well... its winters... and  I need to get a life.... but until then the blue can stay.....
while heaven shall weave itself...for me to seek it well!!!!!
Its's indeed a crowded place.... 
and all I know is a Face..... just the face...nothing beyond....nothing ...more inspiring as yet....!!!
Could I be anymore...droppy eyed???
 .................Oh C'mon.... its just another day.... that will wind up with me whining again ...!!!
Hence... I said.... 
Wake Me Up From This Broken Dream pleaseee!!!

Too Much ..on A SINGLE Platter

Ah A Single Life!
Wonder treads in each day ..gently tapping my head and pushing me off the edge. Nothing comes Easy and if you want something --> its going to be a tedious warfare between the heart , mind and faith.
Calling in for challenge is a nasty routine each day. Reduction in the sleep hours still stays and...the days when the effort pays of that rush of happiness tingles through and through.
But I am still ME ..still stupid... still not responsible ..still not giving and STILL CLUELESS...Dammit!!!
I wish I were a nomad... with no cares in the world just the restless gait of search filling up the need of the days. Just the foot , eyes and soul travelling.
I wish I could breathe my dreams rather than merely etching them when dark skies paint the canvas of above.
The sky however...these days.. no matter how dark... lets me look at the stars. Gosh I miss going up each evening on my terrace ...or to the beach once a week and watch orange brush strokes . Its an outstanding sight.
Look.. I know there is a lot to learn and in time it will all fall into place. But I don't know how to tame or calm my *oh so - why the heck are the things not working out* self down!!!!
And well....Love never booked a room yet . Just these betraying images did and captivated me for long... like hell long.
I think growing up is a boring business and there is no fun class to it. There are super rough days and it gets all the more grilling if you are one of those who doesn't like to hurt others. I mean why the heck would you.
So its a emotional state of - losing a balance of wisdom and getting trapped in that crazy whirlwind  of words  and events.
I am no saint. Not meant to be one.
I need time - to change - to improve - to discover - TO PROVE!!
If I will to conquer ... I must start with myself first. I am done waiting and done wishing others changed.
They won't - unless something really massive urges them to.
My Massive for this Moment is - ME!!!!
I am growing tired of this image I have..not that it is bad its just that its stagnant.
Beauty can't be random... it blooms through this aching moments. Moments when you hate yourself so bad that you are willing to churn yourself and put the best foot forward in any way you can .
I now also know that ... the pain that cloaks and wraps us ... will never fade. Atl east for me it won't ..it bloody won't. And all those people you love... will leave your side... YES they will.
There is  something called as stand alone.... it must be applied .
Its the only damn way in which you can speak for yourself.
I have been broken several times ... (no no ... not a boyfriend issue....eshhh)... just you know how life swings about... one moment high.. and then slowly a down swing... *bangs her hand on the desk* ... should have known from  childhood... that is the lesson of  LIFE !
Now I do.
Now.. I also know... that I won't rub those... dreams - those things I wish to achieve- no matter how long it takes... I will.
Like... I said.. I am done waiting.
The heart shall now remain a place.. only for the things that make me happy ... as for the unhappiness... I can't undo those... all I can do is ... Lock them up .. rather than leaving them to wander about ...

Some of us are lucky enough to deal with the things we love.
The rest of us simply have to deal with all of that .. which we never planned for...
As for me... Hah!!!
It will be ... more fantastic .. than I ever thought..!!!....Challenge ??? :)!!!

See YA!

SEARCH

www.google.com...
sorry
why the heck even take the effort to type down "www"..
shortcuts
simpler life
complicated technology
distance put to rest by an sms ...yeah thats where we are...
i hate this age i am in
i hate the way a clock rules my life.... i wonder how more dramatic things will get once i have a job.
and yes i wish google could give me all my answers.
it cant .... in a zillion years it cant
not because the high end and rapid changes in science and tech cant bring us that ... but just because.... often whats needed..is not a search on the internet... its the search done by scarping the various layers of time...and moments of the day.. scraping them to figure... what the hell it really was -is- could be....
it feels like ages ... since i have written here... not because i was too caught up.... yes i was..but not so much that it would keep me away from here...whether someone out there reads it or no.
so this search... whats it all about.... and why .
i think its important to feel let down... its important that life puts us through trials..its important to be heart broken..its important to cry... and its important to question.
often lost in stories of wonder which dont seem to end... i get caught up in the rough wind of emotions that bar me from welcoming a brighter tomorrow.
i wont say life hasnt changed.  it has but.. along this pathway of change.. i have turned more into a rebillion than the one who understands- accepts -and changes things for the better.
i lie awake.. at dead hours of night... with mad rushing thoughts..thinking ..and feeling like a failure. i shouldnt be saying this considering how blessed i am - to have a family - to get a two time meal- to study - to communicate- and all of that.  but these days... its certainly different... i draw myself into chattering crowd to find silence. i barely pray anymore... and listen to the spluttering sounds of the doubts born to blind me . the glint in the eyes has disappeared. the will to perform and prove is diminishing. i am closer to adapting the words often said- useless - thankless- cant keep anyone happy.
there are people who love you .... or rather things... who get you to love them  so much  that you dont have time for anything else.
i am tired of figuring out what the hell is this search all about though.... search for love- money - career- fame- creativity- friend- understanding- courage- faith -peace-happiness...what ..just what..
dreams dont seem to find an exit..
life gets grilling ..
but as time arches to tomorrow.... even though the day fails me right down till night... and i am left with nothing but ..so much of ache which is hard to spell..
i know...that one day... i will be brave enough to break barriers and define a place beyond the skies..
one day ... darkness indeed will be my best friend for it lead  me to the light in way nothing else could have...
one day... the music of hope will help me pen a song... a song... where a string of achievements reside and laughter blossoms..
like i wrote a few days back...as my update.... "best people in life are the ones who treat you in the worst possible manner for no given reason and often they are the ones who are your very own "
someday ...people who don't know will see... and grow up to know.... that each of us is special ....and there is this jar of unique star dust ...we own... it helps us shine when its TIME...
bitter gales are just a test...or the best URL  to hunt the true "shining" person within you .
its hard ofcourse .... but i hear everything in this world comes with a balance ......i just hope those aren't rumours ....
from now till i write next (dont know when )- take care .

OH Dear..

wow..
this week has been super fast . It feels like sunday just went by..like just. the coming week will spell alot of planning ...alot of sorting work to start..decide specific avenues ..meet ups..and gosh i can't even remember what more..i just know more :)
there was once upon a time ..i loved getting to know people , somehow that took a backseat ..but i m glad i am trying to get back to that Me , its going to be slow ..but eventually :)
whats been new - ahh .trying to sleep early ..(shh i fail at it though )
whats been the same - ahh that i m still spending money like water
what i wish changes - my anger and manner of talking its become way to rude
whats fun- classes each day ..oh i am such a happy girl then
what sucks - ..the fact that i dont know what career to chose , that i dont have a job , i m not a good learner, my art is going to the dogs , certain other stuff...and eh growing up...
what i am thinking about right now- ganu coming home
what i dearly miss- gakkai, friends, roxy, childhood.
whats up next-err sleep ..maybe ?
what song i am hooked onto these days - oh well- undone  and ishqwala love
whats something i have been waiting to do- watch moviesssss
what i am looking forward to post two months - oh goshhhhh exams...and assignments ...n north trip :):)..amritsar will hopefully- finally happen :)  satnam waheguru :)
what in store for tomorrow- a poem i have been wanting to complete since long and lots more.
to you reading this ..
this was what my birthday was like ...

A Little Bit of Me ...

I am still The shy girl with a gazillion dreams ..that weave themselves into my heart each day..moment after moment...
I still believe ..restrictions can make u a rebellion or fine tune u into a loner...
I'll agree to when -people say- break the rules.. let go of the guard.. stumbling down is better than not moving at all...
I'll still choose purple over pink...white over black and red over blue..
I'd say nature and its offerings are the best companions ever ..if you strike a dialogue with them you need nothing more...
I like the idea...of getting home a dog than having a boyfriend...
I love people...who love art...who know what its like to evolve through that medium... they inspire me..
I fall for the glint in the eyes of small kids and their adorable laughter...cute hugs...
Surprises are preferred over plans...and letters instead of emails...
Nothing in the world...like the rains...not even the sun..not even the snow...
Cartoons still make me laugh like a kid...
I'd prefer staying home... than going clubbing...
I find relaxation either when i m watching a movie or m done dealing with something that has made my head scream ouch...
I love cars more than barbies...and once upon a time i lovedddd video games...
sea planes are my new love and fighter planes will always be the love
 i have the ardent wish to defy gravity someday...
 i want to seriously hold a white -flawless snake once....even turquoise would do...and get into a cave where stalactite and stalagmite have a home..
 I want to pet a harpy eagle or a white owl...or the tiny one (i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee owls)
haha..i wish i could solve a maths paper without making a single mistake...
pillows ..walls and air...know a hell lot more about me than anybody on this face of the earth...
i want to watch seven comets at once...seven rainbows at once... and seven constellations at once...
birthdays means...cards cakes and wishes arching to coming years.....
i can not travel by a train...in india...
a beach side dinner sounds better than a too highly sophisticated dinner...
i want to see a blue whale right before me...
a blank paper and a pencil are amazing friends...
sometimes it is better to cripple with pain than speak up and ruin everything u managed to work for...
stairs are better than elevator...
i want to create someday... a buliding...probably in uae or vegas... which is mind boggling...
i do believe in santa.... and fairies...
if you dont enjoy your own company..dont expect others to...
its good to listen to others... but never turn deaf to your voice...
magic...is inviting
ripleys is amazing....
i want to learn how to ride a horse...i loveeeeee the galloping beauties.... i'll name mine stallion
air rifle shooting.. archery ... figure skating....loveeee them...
basketballers ...and dancers will always steal my heart...
bull fighting will remain my favorite sport ...
i wonder what it would be like to stand on the top most peak of the himalayas...
i want to witness an avalanche from a distance...
hitler...is still my favourite...
youth is the most crucial time to cultivate and groom yourself...
having a converstaion with yourself at times can be the best stress buster... or else... a cold shower...
I write ...no i ramble... i dont read... i m stupid... and make tons of silly mistakes...
I dont know to cook..neither m i a foodie...but i loveee good food...-veg- to b specific...
i do not make friends easily... i think alot before trusting a person...n once i do..even if they break my trust...i m yet foolishly attached to them...
i love my mom to death...and argue the most with my father...like a friend...not that i dont fight with mom...they are just a little more fierce ...:P
long walks... are a blessing...
swings call out to me and memories of my childhood...
i fall head over heels for on screen characters...n yes edward isnt in that list...
music plucks my string of thoughts...
poets build a home within me...
the world of science baffles me...and makes me wonder HOW...
universe...was..and will be my love...the space...the galaxies... the stars intertwined ...feels like destiny asking me...never ..to give up...
i dont fear death anymore...had pretty close encounters...
competition should only and only be with yourself...
if their was a chance i could to talk to or meet someone who was no more...it will be einstein ..galileo ..lady diana and mother teresa
i want to go to the artic once..to watch the nothern lights...
i want to tame a brazilian jaguar...or a tiger...swim with sharks and dolphins...meet sinbad the liger.. and travel the world...study art and culture...learn ..what was once my love-dance...
write stories for my grandchildren (haha this is funny considerng how afraid i am of marriage )
fall in love with this guy who makes the whole world seem like some paradise..
be the best daughter i can...
learn to make desserts.. ahaha..i have a sweet tusk...
work for the society....and like i said...a gazillion stuff more...
keep my friends etched into the word family...
and gather myself each time..something breaks me down...the only way to live is to walk the road...:)!!!
write a poetry to mr bachan and my mentor- daisaku ikeda once...
have rajma rice with shahrukh...
meet christian bale.. ohh well i cud go on...thats how...i go about..i ramble... :P
if we are friends and havent fought even once...we are on the absolute elementary level of friendship in my books then...
prayers makes life worth...
having ambitions is the fuel..
creating value is the mission...
and never giving in to lashing circumstances is the key...:)!!!
its better to be a part of mystery than predictablity ...
the sound of the piano has me forever...
m a owl...sleeping at the wee hours ...is pretty much me..
my cellphone.. its the most loved and abused thing around me...
irritating me ..is the easiest thing to do... hah...afterall i have a fowl temper...
clicking pictures is my way of wheeling my time to some purpose... creativity is my hook of love.. i orbit around it...
i love sarcasm... i love FRIENDS...phoebe and joey the most...my life is incomplete without these new yorkers...
i am fruits ...cheese...and paneer....girl...
thumps is my drug ...since alcohol is a thought miles and miles away...
greed and jealousy are my sins...
bugatti veyron 16.4 grand sport...yes id love t own that someday...
nothing compares to school life ...i still cherish the day when my poem got published n my principal spoke to me personally sharing her expectations ..with me..:)
i want to have one birthday...celebration in greece...and other at amritsar...
i hateeeeee cricket
i am not a punjabi.....m a sindhi... but i do not like the language... and prefer..talking lil broken punjabi...
there is alot in life to learn about...
m injury prone...
and loveeeeeeee blue eyes...
saying no is hell lot easier than a yes..
batman is the coolest superhero...
hindu mythological stories amaze me..
the biggest and truest religion that can ever be..is humanity..
isnt it better to just lie down and look up at the ceiling some nights..
yes shopping is indeed a therapy ...also creating something is....
i love to watch the moon...
i nickname the people i really care for...

Watching tv keeps me engrossed ..

I believe if you keep your eyes open ..an be present in the moment  there are hings that you must have never thought about that live to inspire you..

there are two people i miss the most... masi and bua.. because the only time i will ever be able to meet them is when i go to heaven (if at all my chances are bright)

i enjoy gossip....:)
i fear water...and heights...and yet desire to do adventure sports ...(parasailing was soooooooooooo much fun)
i think people back in time...used their brain miilion times more..better than what we do today...its evident from their work that lives with us...
nostradamus ..was not bad....he was just another person...dont we too speak about ill happening..n other such stuff? at times we do...
confusion honestly leads you to dig into better ways and solutions...
procastination happens...when something else becomes more important than your dreams..
you need the bullies... so that you can learn to fight back...and be heard..
peace can only be found..when u r ready to work for it...so is happiness....
politics sucks...
making money is easy.... knowing what to do with it is not....
fantasy..of hogwarts grabs a yes from me...
appreciation and gratitude are the toughest qualities to inculcate..so is humbleness...and compassion ...
knowing few people really well is better than knowing a group of monkeys...
the steeper the climb....the better the view...
its always better to break a few bones by giving the best you have got rather than doubting... and not trying...
failure shouldnt throw you off track.. and achievements should not let the devil in you ..out for a jaunt..
keeping secrets...and playing pranks... are things to do...
sneaking out and getting in trouble is also a must...
Folding your hands before God...and asking for forgiveness... is the chance ..you have each day...he doesnt believe in set offs...but lessons that will make us better...
A tomorrow already rests in the palm our hands...time can be evil to snatch that away...
Before it does...A today lies wide awake...to be held ..to tell a story...worth enough to gift the tomorrow to us...
I DO ...isn't the hurdle...try it out... and dig a grave for I Don't...
These are thoughts.....
Thoughts scribbled ahead of my Name...
For now...
GoodNight....and Sweet Dreams...:)!

Lone Leaf

In this bitter silence

I dangle like a lone leaf

Bounded with the thoughts of tomorrow

That never put me to sleep

Who is there to stand by

I wish the name was known

And then you realize

Its a battle you have to fight on your own

Keep away the emotions

So even the closest heart in the world would never know


How and when got there

Pierced by the arrows sent by the times bow

In prayer when your tremble

And people make you weak

Its these harsh moments

That willingly guide you to seek

What fear will take away

Courage will return ten fold

The winds that gather then

Will no more keep the story untold

I watch the clock at first

And then turn to the blank side

For I'll not let aching wait

Turn into a devastating tide

Sooo.....

In this bitter silence

I dangle like a lone leaf

Bounded with the thoughts of tomorrow

BUT the dreams are mine to keep...

Hid Myself In The Closet ...

Hid myself in the closet

I was afraid to come about..

He stepped in gently 

To guard me and share a few words..

I was broken

Felt like I had lost all the worth..

Then a tear rolled…

I hadn’t spoken a word..

But the eyes said it all..

Woes and worries of a heart..that was waiting to be heard..

I slept off under the sheets of..doubts that crippled my veins..

And I watched the emotions get abused..slowly beard  the pain

He caught hold of my hand and placed it next to his heart…

I eventually surrendered my world....that was on the edge of falling apart..

We spoke for days together…and nights were spent in a wait..

I was enchanted by the magic not realising I was times bait..

Then the halt came..

My hands just try now..to catch the pouring rain..

At this moment…I wonder if things would  ever change..

I heard a mocking laugh…

Coming from the chambers within…

Throwing questions at me.. the speed of which.. drives me insane..

I stay up all these nights..

And hide away in that closet again…

Somehow a tomorrow stops by… to declare its all in vain..

The shadows are falling now..

The clouds roll in..

He who came gently..

will he ever come by…?

Or is it

All the love ..ever to happen…

Was sealed in a goodbye..

The moon is gracing the heaven

And the stars light up the sky…

I’ll stay awake in my sleep….

In the world ..where dreams don’t know to lie….

p.s. its been such an awful day ...apart from the downpour which is keeping me calm....rest every single thing is messed up....

what a start to the week...?!

*rests the head on the pillow*..

I dont even have the stars to kiss me goodnight....

What Would It Would Have Been IF?

So ..the eighth month of 2012..is hitting the end  of the road. Around a month and a half since classes started. New friendships...new  dimension ..and new "samples" :P!!
September made things special for me only because of Ganu.
And maybe september  WAS special for the rest 22years back. I can bet my money on the fact its changed a hell lot now.
Anyway..I won't go there..unless I plan to have a disturbing night.
Apart from all those ridiculous bits that made me sulk big time today..I am just so glad when I am at college...
New friends.. Fun talks... wonderful learning...and trying to crack the codes in the brain real hard.
Honestly with this course- which I thought would be an amazing creative jaunt- I feel at level zero... far off in the league ..as though I was never a part of this imaginative world before.
I can't say how much..yes how much is there for us to learn. It amazes me time and again ...and the only thing I take back from it..is that we'll remain learners through the rest of our lives.
This week has been crazyyyy..I won't say all that was planned was accomplished...Alot wasn't... and man is the coming week going to be mentally challenging and creatively stimulating and down right hectic OR What..??!...believe me...I kinda shudder at the mere thought.
I had such amazing plans...for work to get done and over..n work to start off..n probably read books..write ..draw...nothinggggggg really came through *cries with a baby face* . I have a PhD in *grumbling and whining*...:P and Double Masters in being a * being a spendthrift*. When I really want to buy something...I want it...yes...I do...and if I don't have that kind of fortune..then... I apply my PhD..:P!
And well there is someone who brings this cute little smile right there on my face and of course I won't say who here;)!! But lets just say... I am being silly all over again. The gait  of silly and me...get along so well..ahh the past will narrate it fabulously for your entertainment ....
And before I call it a night

here are a few more words..

Unaware and Almost Lost
I was held on to the tips of reality
By a jar of thoughts
And suddenly the balance dropped..
Gravity called it a Win
And once again
I curled up on the sideways of journey
I never wanted to begin
I met those eyes
I saw a smile..
My heart  trembled... but..
 Feet managed to walk that mile
Tell me now..
Why again
Have I been invited to play this game..
I will lose once again for sure..
Cus I am stolen from myself ..once more

p.s. Not LOVE ( in this case surely can't be..won't be..)..Just a crush :P:P!!! ...But just in case ..What IF...?!!! :P:P:P!!!

Peep..before the Sleep..

wow...!!! Long time eh!
Haha..i enjoy the way we were asked to blog umpteen number of times in our class. Our social media teacher is working her tactics to get us to rip out internet and learn more than Facebook posts.
Talking about the internet..Life somehow seems impossible without it. (ssshhh ..I am Facebook Addict)...
There is so much lying out there ii the vast virtual world to explored. Fun part- the technicality.. to what seems a cake walk... is  so difficult and how.
I am enjoying the way my new course is trying to align my Life.
Its whispering into my ears each night..tomorrow..something new, something different..please dollface...search for that creative person and let it loose .
We make mistakes.
Its ridiculous to think we will get it right in the first go itself.
Trying is the only option. It can be tiring , can burn you out, can make you angry ...but once...yes ONCE...it goes all perfect ..you experience a magic.. a magic only and only you could create.
We have been asked to go on a hunt.. to be alert..to count competition..to set a bar higher than the rest and then drag ourselves to it come what may.
Reading, Writing and more...!
I face the mini storms, yes, each day.
But that doesn't ebb my hopes , dreams, ambitions and the desire to achieve stuff that some  i know will call.."no never...its impossible..especially with you"..
And my driving lessons give me a slight headache. I am so distracted all the time...but...So happy when the road is wide..long and empty. ( haha i keep thinking about Paul Walker and Vin Diesel  super speeedddd and loud music) :P
Its going to be a long week with lotsssss to do.. and lots to plan form the coming month...pheww..
and wow..I miss my friends and gakkai members so much these days..
Anyway birthday is coming and i'll be off for a trip with the college fellas..Hoping to come back with great memories from there...:)!!! eshhhh I don't want to grow up....P.S. I can't stop thinking about my birthday cakeeeeee..:)!!!!!