Criss Cross Happiness

Wow..Its been nearly a month...not that i am an ardent blogger or have learnt the ropes for this particular activity...but still... i return here... return to note down..whats its been like.. so that later ahead when i head back here...i know where i was ..and why...
well...alots been happening...
I am writing this today...because.. its better than looking at some boring soap going on tv... better than waiting for a friend to know.. better than keeping stuff inside.
Exams got over today....and lets say i am absolutely disappointed...not that i should crib over it.. because i never prepared for something which i knew is important... Moms right... I waste alot of time.. a book could be written on it.
Out of 6 i could make it for only 4 papers.. i was half an hour late for each of them.. left 20 marks in all as time ran out... and wrote like as i had never been taught handwriting ever...
I crushes me in my head enough to know the way this examination process treats me each time.
Lets say God wanted to teach me a lesson
I'll atleast pray that some decent marks come my way...

Thats one part of the story
shouldn't i be happy that exams are over and i can look forward to do other stuff during the month???? ....instead i feel clobbered
and the reason isnt just exams... its a hell lot of things...
No career path chalked out... no job.. no independence... no stability..no patience or dedication ...
It feels like the hardest puzzle ever....
No love found....(I don't think the people i love... will ever care enough to know that i do)
Parents unhappy....
Lives of friends... relatives.... some others...
The vast fields of dreams
and last but not the least.. this massive grip of restlessness ....
never ends...never changes for the better...
Yet admist this....in this deep ditch of mess...where the heart lays injured of so many things being told over and over again... there is some grain..that plugs in not to give up..
It could be a strenuous climb..with too many hurdles... and here.. they keep building on as if they dont have any other work...
There are nights and nights in a row where i dont sleep....and wake up with a heavy head later...
I am certainly lost in this crowd...
Looking for hands to hold..
Foolish enough... to not trust my own feet to lead me...
drugged by many emotions of loved ones...
jealous at times..of the ones who have gotten there first...
its like leaving a unpleasant dream each day.... saying time and again.. this is not the life i ordered...
just holding it all in together.. hoping you dont breakdown... actor in this world afterall...
A mask is on for now...
The walk continues...
But i'll say this..... its never been a steady road...never...
however....if your lucky ..you'll find some seedlings of happiness along the way.....that is..if you aware enough to know that they are...
Whatever this today was about.... and whatever tomorrow may be...
The seedlings take years to turn into a fruitful tree... so lets just stick with that...Hoping that someday.. everything will be different...in an amazing way....
making some sense out of the criss cross happiness..that lead us here....

Have a sweet weekend...
And i'll just try to be better than ok... :)
Take Care....

I'll Steal You From The Moon

I'll steal you from the moon..

If thats where you are

I'd Grab all the stars 

And make a string to reach the sky

And bring you back to where you belong 

Right here

Its the paradise we once dreamt of

And dreamt of together

While we sat by lake and watched the silver ribbon twirl 

Sparkling waters

Words of whispers and innocent promises of the hearts..

Thats how we were

And a universe in those eyes

But

Did time make a different choice ?

All things went dim

Surely ..this is nt right..

But...hey

I'll steal you from the moon ..

If thats where you are... :)

Dainty Darkness

Wow..its been a few days since I came down here to be a bit me .
Where did my teen years just go .. I have no idea..
There were lots of twists and turns though ..final years of school..which meant telling all the babyhood friends bye until we met again. It meant telling all those care free and routine years bye. It meant ..no more being a t a teacher pet. It also meant.. bonding getting stronger , memories to carry , ink day craziness and keeping that uniform alive with all those words, it meant remembering the school prayer for the rest of our lives , all those medals and certificates , all those scoldings and punishments , all the pranks and competitive fun, the responsibilities .. the pat on the back for being a good kid.. ahh.. all wrapped up beautifully and kept in the treasure trove of the heart . Those days meant...Discovering Yourself. :)
Today... its been 7 years.. and now everything is so different. Lives have moved on.. Dreams have changed and Life... continues to throw challenges ..the speedy ones, constantly .
I have always been a bit indecisive.
And this day is no different.
Coming down to age where I am .. Am often lost in a wonder , the list of 'to do'..'to want'.. ' i wish' is soo huge at times, I mean mostly .
The darkness remains.. remains like a unwanted topping over an ice cream.
I whine and complain ..like always.
I crib and criticize .
There are days when I just forget to be thankful .
The questions that the crop up in the mind are another story .
I  have watched people search for a peace providing anchor in such situations .. pretty usual.
 I have always found a way out of this dark.
Dainty Darkness as I say it....
Its a much requirement ..in my opinion.. , just so that we are able to dig in more and beyond.
Scratch the layers of unknown and watch a potential surface that would bewilder us.
God is always there.. always.. no questioning that. Silent yet a wonderful teacher ..father.. friend.
Just for a moment appreciating this dark.. cause its because of this that we will be able to urge ourselves to reach that light. Its a portion of something we don't wish for.. and yet it occurs over and over again ..just so that we get to know ourselves better.. just so that we plunge into the believing in ourselves and wage through the storm beautifully.
Cases have been ... where people give up.
Its natural.. they are not to be blamed.
But then again.. don't the stars shine in the dark ..?
Haven't the people who have really believed in themselves and worked down every bit of the sweat to get where they want to be .. astonished us time and again.
We all are amazing.. there is no way we would have made it into this world without being that.
Our roles may be different.... are locations may be different.. but we belong somewhere.. where every night for maybe a billion years now..never came in without a morning.
Its nature proving it to you ... you need anything more ?
I am still in this dark... well with regards to academics ..career and a hell lot more..
But there is a strange peace in it.. a sort of re assurance ... that no matter what.... the sunshine will fill up the room of my heart and lead me to a golden palace ..where all that desires resides. :)
This dainty darkness is indeed the time .. to roar with a deeper resolve .. and churn the energy , hard work and determinations into something absolutely beautiful.
There are many lesson to learn along this passage of time.... and this darkness..is a pathway disguised.
I am going to make the most of it. :)

No harm in being your own sunshine through the dark 

Even the courage to say 'you want to' is a sign  of that light 

Something beautiful about darkness to be rejoiced 

Just Flowers And Leaves

Well, My Dubai Break Has Been Awesome.
The fact that I couldn't access by blog from there was not cool.
I don't know what to write about that trip and how much.... but I will tell you this , I am amazed at the energy people have, to give life an new direction and meaning each day...to make it purposeful and worth ..to make it enjoyable and example for others. Life is hectic there . Family being there made things easier though. It was good to be in a place where there was so much around to see ..but damn my camera had to fall ill during this trip ...its still not done up and i miss it sorely!!!
This post ..is about the last week in Bombay before I headed for my trip... I just wanted to go around like manic and capture everything I saw..but that wasn't possible. I couldn't hit the beach either. I walked around...Sometimes in the devilish hot summer sun.. and saw these beauties looking back at me with love. God has spent so much time in making this nature ..its colors..its various faces..the seasons...that every single detail...such meticulous work....and what have we accomplished..???!!! Turned into corporate stooges ? Made the tallest tower? Owned the most expensive car?? Yes ..what??!! I won't say I do not have any materialistic desires....But...I am not blind or ungrateful either... that I rate my wants and pleasures at top rank before what what God has created for me...!! I am marveled each time ...and blessed to witness ..touch..capture..and relish the delight of this beauty!! I hope... that some people who look nothing beyond parties ..blowing up money ..doing the wrong..wake up one day.. and look what lies before their eyes...and treasure it...!! Cause frankly...in the years to come..neither do you or I know..what future may give us to see!! Its There Right NOW..AND ITS BEAUTIFUL .....Why Miss It????

Meanwhile Lets Just Dream

Meanwhile Lets Just Dream


Walk Down The Street Of Words


Written In The Language Only Known To The Heart


And Stay Out There For A Bit


Holding On To What Could Have Been


Gather The Broken Promises


To Fix Them


Watch How Did We Fall For One Another


Without The Slightest Clue


Locked Ourselves In The Warmth Of The Friendship


And Oh...The Stories Of Little Mischiefs


That Kept Us Close When Eyes Didn't Meet


How The Hands Love Cut Down The Aching Distance


And Soothed Missingness


Suddenly Everything Broke Away


Its Hard To Figure How And Why


No More Were The Words Understood


All Of It Changed So Soon


That It Causes Me Wonder


And At Times Question It Too


Why Did I Ever


Let Myself Into A World Not Owned By Heart


And Ended Up Getting Bruised


Now The Distance Has Doubled...


The Loudest Voice Is Read As Mute


I Was Held Together


The Pieces Now Crack Into A Million


And Orbit Around Me With My Reflection


Asking Me A Hundred Times ..How Come?


This World Has Now Left Me Unsure


So Much So ..That Reality Flares Up An Illusion


Illtreated By The Doubts Left Free From The Confine..


Thoughts Are Now Feeble


Memories Drowning In Your Name


But..


Meanwhile Lets Just Dream


Walk Down The Street Of Words


Written In The Language Only Known To The Heart


And Stay Out There For A Bit


Holding On To What Could Have Been

Wherever She Goes

Where ever she goes
She wants to leave behind
Trail of laughter spun by memories
Lessons learnt along the passage of time
The beauty of Friendship
The giggle in your heart
The dreams of tomorrow
Her talks.. random like her
Her mischief that could leave you in awe
Her eyes ..where your smiling face resides
Her words that could keep you warm through the winter
The jewel of her love that would keep you shining through the dark
Her wish ..that you always remain happy
Who said she isn't crazy
And life hasn't driven her insane?
She still needs learning
And she still needs you
But when your hopes crumble
She will still be around
Holding you with the strength of her prayers
Wiping those tears
When the fear walks in
Listen to her whispers ..they'll tell you not to give up
And when it rains down..
Imagine she is looking at you
Smiling in her heart
Watching you embrace life with love
For where ever she goes
She'll carry you along
Just like the sky..look up to you with love
In her Universe ..now you belong ..
Where ever she goes...she will still be with you!! :)

Wherever she goes :)!

Bicycle Days !

April's first week has walked in wearing a bright sunny (baking us into cookies) weather ..here in Bombay.
I quit my job early last week...temp job I mean ..(wait ...was that even a job?), as I had to leave for holiday In this week. And ...Now  ..its 2.45am ..Monday Morning..My  college assignment questions have been uploaded but I don't even want to  look at them . My holiday tickets are ready ...and yes..now they will have to delayed , I don't want to lug the tension of assignments there after all. I will have to carry the books though. The TV is on mute , The sound of the fan and the A/c, My new phone which is so hard to figure (right now at least) , The grip of the feeling called -  Jealousy (don't ask me why). Lots be done before I leave for my short vacation..and a hell lot more to be done and learnt when I am back . Career to be decided .. Job location..University /College ( incase  I want to study further) , Driving , Cooking , Art (hopeully) ..AND a longggggggg list...

Take me back  to the land called - "10 years ago".. and this time was  vacation time...!! meeting up with friends, chilling, no rush of future, no concrete dreams , easy life (it still is) , school crushes , movies , early to bed..early to rise , no sense of gucci ...or dior, nothing like " I dont want to meet them or talk to them ..cus I have no answer to ' what are you upto in life?' " , the statement like - "when will I make my own money?" or "I am such a irresponsible person"..never dared to crop up then. Of course things have changed now...I mean When I see my younger sister at that same place...there is a massive difference. Youth is more aware today , more indulgent , more like rebellious go -getters , stylish -back- answering ..dudes and chicks.. also I won't miss out on calling them as the herd of black-berryans, ..the facebook and twitter is so normal, late night parties , sleepovers , the royal blue and hot red, the spiked hair and cars with loud music ...ohh I could go on. (but amongst these wild and varied  tech savvy teens of today still lies a segment  of them ..that understands and behaves in a matured manner , is responsible , works down every bit of the sweat to own thier dreams, encourages and manages to shine as an example ). Everything back then for me was a relaxed scene ...no this sort of drama as such. I think  (no its not generation gap ) its just the load of  ' what the society sees us as ...and based on that how we judge ourselves '
I am here today...22...crawling to 23.. looking back and thinking ...If that childhood just cameback...yes...my friends..my family , my life....cartoons, maggi , playing downstairs , listening to grand ma (dadi ) tell stories , short visits at my  grandma'splace (nani)..playing with her pet- roxy...my slim self...no worry of ' I really need to get going with my life now '..the rain dance... the bicycle rides with music on walkman on ...yes...I wish I could re live it ...yes I do.
If I say.. I don't have regrets...I'd be lying. But...yes the fact is..someday you have dust yourself, stand up and walk on ..for you never know... may be what's worth yet awaits your joyous arrival...
I have plenty of dreams and sometimes when I think about it.. the thought of  "How will I accomplish them?'...exhausts me.
The moments of past don't return (unless history plans to repeat itself)..:P and yes the tomorrow hinges upon today. I think I have to begin my journey by lighting up the street with the word called "Believe"...
It's a powerful thing ..I have heard.
So I am going to give it a try .. again ...:)!!!

This picture ..outside the mall out here took me back to my 'school girl' days. I used to love riding the bicycle then. Yes, I do want to ride it.  I don't know if it can handle my weight now..:P but as I said ..I'll give it a try..and Believe that's its going to be Fab!!

Have a Great Week .
Take Care

Love Story.......Where do I begin..

The First Book read... Love Story...yes Love story.
Just walking by the hill road ..it was post 7 in the evening. I saw a man selling second hand books. I held my dad's hand and said "I want that"..yes..it was the novel titled - Love Story ..
well ..papa gave  me that look which clearly said in the unspoken (beta..you always buy these books and magazines but never read any ) and i gave papa..the innocent, angelic look..;) and there.. i had the book.....
Ask Mom..she'll tell you for how long has she been trying to get me to read. yes... i am not a reader...but i do read what i like. I just fear books a bit.
But..I said come what may..I have to read this book. And i promised myself a tiny reward for it too. Well..I can't tell you how much i love this book...afterall.. i owed the reading to my favourite signature tune..that belongs to the movie made on the book.
yes..Oliver Barrett IV owns my heart. I have never stayed awake to read a book. infact it's always been the opposite. I smiled...giggled with yawns and sleepy eyes..said awww so many times...ran my fingers over the words where i could relate...and was left moist eyes in the end.
Love has different meanings for different people... I am still to discover what it means to me.
All i can..wish...is...I hope this Erich Segal book..marks my beginning into the world...that i have heard about...but never taken the effort to venture...
To Me...Oliver Barrett IV..some smiles...some thoughts..
"let's run" ..she said..
"lets stay and fight " I said.
p.s. One day...Someone..who'll cast my fear and worries  away..and if not.....well..we will have plenty of smiles to fill the room of time. :)!

my reward for reading the book

"I smiled. How she loved simple things in life"..- one of my fav lines from the book. :)

A Day to Remember :D!

Yes..that day..or evening rather...was beautiful and extremely special.
I had sent across a letter to my mentor -Daisaku Ikeda..and I had sent it so that I could share my struggle and victory too. Honestly I never thought or hoped for anything beyond. He being in Japan , praying day in day out for all the wonderful members of SGI all over the world, not failing to send encouragement , writing to reach out to us and just being there in the most amazing way. When I started off this practice (Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism ) I never knew where it will lead me.. and today I am here saying ..whatever the destination..the journey is worth and beautiful . Its right when people say it's a life affirming philosophy :)! so coming back to that day- Friday- The twenty third of this month...when I was busy sleeping like a log due to the tiring day I had..the phone rang ..the number was unknown..but God bless my senses for answering that call ..
A unknown voice spoke...and my only replies were like.....yes...YES....YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! THANK YOUUUUUUUUU!!!
YES...my MENTOR ..HAD REPLIED to my message....!!!!!!!!:)))))))))) honestly I had never thought that it will happen....but it did....did  I not mention ...I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo Glad :)!
one year ago..March 23rd 2011...was the day..when my battle towards my health began..n the reply coming from him exactly on that day..around that time...is purely mystic.
Well...When you believe ..then what is there that cannot be achieved ..!!

I am here today..Life is not a sorted place! well even a movie needs elements of variety to be interesting...why should Life be far off in the league then. I know...that One day when I look back..I'll be proud of the life  I have lived..Yes..ONE DAY!! :):)!!!

Dad...and the Dragon Pen

Well, Ever since Mom gifted me the Dragon- look pen...and Papa placed a bargain , I knew .. I surely won't give this pen to Dad. Yes, I like fighting with my Dad. We are like friends...not best friends...but good friends for sure. There are days when I drive him to his wits end. But  I look back...it's like a picture I can carry along. My papa has been my hero..my support..the man who didn't refuse me bike rides as kid..the man who still wonderfully takes care of me..and yes the man to whom I tied two pony tails as kid..and did head massages with my tiny fingers. Now I am just a grown up who likes to throw her weight around. Be Bossy..be mean..be cute..be loving..be ME! yes...we quarrel...like really quarrel ...it could be for diaries , remote, chocolates..you name it boss. But I am happy to share this comfortable relationship  with my Dad. I know for a matter of fact that he is the only one in this whole wide world..who watched me cry and smile for the first time. Who held my baby fingers and taught me how to walk. My life would be like a purposeless universe without both my parents. I till date thank him for marrying Mom. She has a gorgeous heart. Look ..I am not trying to come accross as someone..who is the best possible child. I have been a bad kid on some occasions , nothing drastic though...I have had my set of fights and dealt with misunderstandings...and Boy..the battle continues. But I am just here to say..I am still very much the little girl...(maybe I don't have a large heart like them).. but I am here...and they on the highest pedestal in my heart..like the ocean of love ..and their warmth just brings me back to a wonderful me. I wake up to experience Life each day because of them .

To where I started from..yes that pen..well my dad never got that...it was my gift no? but when I walked into the shop and saw a bigger better dragon pen...the first word that roared in my heart was DAD!!

here..is the picture..:) Like Dragon Daughter...Dragon Dad..;)!! yes...he finally got the pen..:)