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2 Mar 2012

Fed Up...But..Not Giving Up..

So today, I couldn't just keep it to myself, with all that happened a little while back.
For a long time now I know what it feels like to go to bed being unappreciated and wake up  with voices screaming, yelling  and taunting , scolding.
Being made to feel that nothing I do or did makes a difference.
I don't even know how do I manage to survive this battle each day.
If it would have  been a 'sometimes' story I'd probably not hate myself for being around.
But now, I do. yes, I very much do.
Hate myself or not being able to decipher where the hell does the fault lie, Hate myself for not being able to change it. Simply hate myself.
It sounds apathetic I know, but it can't be helped. I rather say what i feel than make it all flowery and fill it  with words i don't.
The cruelty of insomnia that doesn't seem to abandon me.
 The passage of time just leaves me baffled as i wake up each morning and go through these gamut of emotions within a single day.
And then there are days when my life state screams for an explanation . I guess, today is one of those. I sit quitely next to window as tears build up and thoughts drag me into a whole different world.
 The gratitude diminishes to zero. I wish i could break my knuckles to feel the pain of something else than the harrowing feelings trotting all over my mind.
People talk about sacrifice ..well..lets be fair, everyone does go through his/ her share of sacrifices why just count yourself to be the only one..!!! the harsh behaviour . more than a dozen of restrictions. put me through this awesome jog everyday ..and don't expect a breakdown. excellent, thank you for forgetting I am human too. ..and my life is no even  or barrier free.
For how long now, should i listen to those bitter words over and over and over . Believe me if i had a way out, i'd pick one ..but wow, the best is when the reason for the delay of things working out is known to them and yet they dont fail to make it worst.
 I put in efforts, try to make them laugh, smile , have tinnie arguments that are nothing but kiddish . But i guess it just don't work. No matter what is done...a daggers of words will always be there to cut you down . Sometimes i wonder what my value really is? and if there isn't any then frankly i don't belong here. this solid ground should crack open  and i should vanish into it. Hyperbole? well walk in my shoes for a bit ..hear everything that i have so far ..i'll buy you a promise that you will  not say that was feeling of exaggeration on my part .
 I dont say i am thankless or ungrateful ...Nor do i say they don't do things for me or aren't wonderful ...but its just too hard to take in all that happens. all i want them to know...dont count me as a target of uselessness. I am in a place where too many things are happening. And i do understand all that they go through. its the conduct thats unfair. its their attitude towards me thats unfair.
If somewhere only they knew how much i hate my birthday because that day has become the least meaningful day of my life. I wish i was unruffled by all these situations. But..I am not. ..After being said ..i m this..and i am that.. and i am not them.. or like those other kids or who so ever. I wish i could tell them- look this is my journey and that was theirs .. and i for one lie with no right to judge it. i am different so are they ..why not look at it like that.
I just hope they realize one day that i am not a bad child.....and if i really am then God bless their life with someone better.
 I am 22 ..and as i kid ..i had hoped that when i grew up life would get a whole lot better...well who is wrong when they some kids can be dumb. i guess i was one of those.
 i waited ..waited for somebody to come along...or the the ones that are there , to understand and accept ..and thats where i feel like a failure . there is so point of such wishful-ness ...atleast i have come to see so.
I am not the only one in this whole wide world who is upset..or is suffering or whatever that is....but's a number of people out there...and i am just another one in that club. Whatever they are going through i wish they get the strength to deal with and win over it!
I won't back down from this road i am walking on...there are chunks and chunks of rocks to move and to my learning thats not a painless effort .
I just life offered me someway to make them happy...... and i believe that day will arrive!
 Oh boy! I am done venting for now.

Just on a lighter note- what if I had been a bad kid??? mean , nasty...a terrible.. insensitive child...just what??!!!! atleast i wouldn't be writing this blog post...:P
I'll dig my way through this heat!!!
also i won't lie....What ..A ..Fucked Up ..Day...!!!!