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9 Dec 2012

Too Much ..on A SINGLE Platter

Ah A Single Life!
Wonder treads in each day ..gently tapping my head and pushing me off the edge. Nothing comes Easy and if you want something --> its going to be a tedious warfare between the heart , mind and faith.
Calling in for challenge is a nasty routine each day. Reduction in the sleep hours still stays and...the days when the effort pays of that rush of happiness tingles through and through.
But I am still ME ..still stupid... still not responsible ..still not giving and STILL CLUELESS...Dammit!!!
I wish I were a nomad... with no cares in the world just the restless gait of search filling up the need of the days. Just the foot , eyes and soul travelling.
I wish I could breathe my dreams rather than merely etching them when dark skies paint the canvas of above.
The sky however...these days.. no matter how dark... lets me look at the stars. Gosh I miss going up each evening on my terrace ...or to the beach once a week and watch orange brush strokes . Its an outstanding sight.
Look.. I know there is a lot to learn and in time it will all fall into place. But I don't know how to tame or calm my *oh so - why the heck are the things not working out* self down!!!!
And well....Love never booked a room yet . Just these betraying images did and captivated me for long... like hell long.
I think growing up is a boring business and there is no fun class to it. There are super rough days and it gets all the more grilling if you are one of those who doesn't like to hurt others. I mean why the heck would you.
So its a emotional state of - losing a balance of wisdom and getting trapped in that crazy whirlwind  of words  and events.
I am no saint. Not meant to be one.
I need time - to change - to improve - to discover - TO PROVE!!
If I will to conquer ... I must start with myself first. I am done waiting and done wishing others changed.
They won't - unless something really massive urges them to.
My Massive for this Moment is - ME!!!!
I am growing tired of this image I have..not that it is bad its just that its stagnant.
Beauty can't be random... it blooms through this aching moments. Moments when you hate yourself so bad that you are willing to churn yourself and put the best foot forward in any way you can .
I now also know that ... the pain that cloaks and wraps us ... will never fade. Atl east for me it won't bloody won't. And all those people you love... will leave your side... YES they will.
There is  something called as stand alone.... it must be applied .
Its the only damn way in which you can speak for yourself.
I have been broken several times ... (no no ... not a boyfriend issue....eshhh)... just you know how life swings about... one moment high.. and then slowly a down swing... *bangs her hand on the desk* ... should have known from  childhood... that is the lesson of  LIFE !
Now I do.
Now.. I also know... that I won't rub those... dreams - those things I wish to achieve- no matter how long it takes... I will.
Like... I said.. I am done waiting.
The heart shall now remain a place.. only for the things that make me happy ... as for the unhappiness... I can't undo those... all I can do is ... Lock them up .. rather than leaving them to wander about ...

Some of us are lucky enough to deal with the things we love.
The rest of us simply have to deal with all of that .. which we never planned for...
As for me... Hah!!!
It will be ... more fantastic .. than I ever thought..!!!....Challenge ??? :)!!!

See YA!