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29 Mar 2013

Hatred+Jealousy .. Confusion+Anger ... Friendships...Life ...Love... Failure...Gratitude and a Story

Well , It's been a while.
Things have kept me busy. The platter was almost next to full. Nothing really productive about the full though.
College life is hectic. Submissions and presentations have grilled me like some toast. Though all of them have been really good..I can't say I am confident enough. I guess.. I never was.
Sometimes its difficult to accept that the rules are different for everybody. People two year younger to you could actually give you a run for your money and are acing the game that you thought you knew well and could handle it smoothly. Past few months have been a lot running around and ending up with nothing. It hurts. When you lie awake till 6am and sleep up till 11.30am... and wake up all grumpy and annoyed. yeah well..sleep and me...dont get along that well.
This emotional tangle has been driving me to my wits end. I miss the old me terribly. I am away and shut most of the time. Arguing angry wanting to pick things and throw them and watch something break. Ofcourse there are reasons why I am feeling like that and writing them down is only going to make me cry and wake up with swollen eyes. So I wont go there.
Hatred and Jealousy seem to be at the hilt over the past few weeks. The the way a few people conduct themselves kind off upsets me at times..... ummm.. most of the times. I don't retaliate like a volcano .. no point. I have even some where stopped praying or having faith. Given up on a certain things and people. Lost a count of the deadlines i didnt keep upto for myself. Don't recollect the last time I met my best friend. Its just been such a "this is not the life i ordered" phase. Even art fails to bring me peace these days..and Facebook doesnt make me smile any longer the way it used to. A lot has changed and a major portion of that -alot- isn't what I needed. But who said that I get to make choices. Life still plays its card and I still make those rookie mistakes. Gosh ..Where am I????
As far career things go. clue yet. The diploma will get done my june and post grad diploma by july. Where did the year go by ...No idea.
And when will design make an entry in my life as a career option ...for good... no idea about that either.

And to my friends... with whom I haven't kept in touch for longer than I thought. I won't say sorry. That word has lost its meaning over the years. But I will tell you ...I miss you and I haven't forgotten you...never will. And I hope.. soon enough I get the time to catch up ..or if not.. then chat up :)!! Thanks for being there.
As for new friends.. well.. I am living it up this year in college as far as friendships go and I do ... sincerely hope that once the term ends.. the friendship arches down to many many more years. Seemu.. yes.. finally I am addressed by nick name than my actual name.

Life has got complicated and confusing and there is this sickening feeling progress. God knows WHY! But a talk with a friend cheered me up last night while I was in no mood to even look at the adorable two bars of chocolate. I was totally off the tangent...angry..weepy and thought I couldn't keep up.
But well... A friend in need is a friend indeed.

There is one advice my Doc gave my Dad- Leave her alone and let her be. I wont say he has kept to it even a little. But my doctor could see through. Well he is like a Grandad and for that I adore him.  I better start keeping the promise I made to my doctor.

Love...Oh Sweet Love. Of all the things I know...I know Love doesnt come easy and if at all its easy..its not worth it. I am not saying Love should be hard....but ...Love does arrive with its own set of 'this and that'..'then and now' 'if and whys'....'forever or never'...!! I remember the person I fell for when I was 16 ..and I like the way history has repeated with my sister... I mean not love wise.. just the way "the meeting" happened.. and oh yeah its the same person. Its a blessing she doesnt Love him... I don't still either. But I do remember how much I had prayed for days together for this one person and I am glad to see things I wanted for him come true. I don't mind being Friends though.
Besides that .. I see the way Love has come and gone off in my "xzy" friends...and Friends... and more friends lives and all I have to tell them that Love has to beautiful... just that.. and nothing more.. it has be a journey filled with smiles ...memories that could hide up the tears in your eyes ... moments...words...and faith. Thats all...!!!
And well my sister wants me to get married asap.. so that I can have babies...and she can play with them. Eviliest younger sister...could be the better way to put it. Its good to see her grow...not good to see the way things are going though. Well..she will learn in time... despite of the several warnings that she hasnt paid heed too. and her..."not at all cool/accepted" conduct... I think...I need to let go. I have done what I can as a sister...beyond that...the lessons are meant for her. ofcourse harsh. To tackle failure as a lesson and not as a stagnation point needs alot of knowing yourself. And I think its crucial to be thankful to the events in life that lead you to fail no matter at what front and at what time frame in life. If you do look back... it is all these failures.. or all these people who kept looking down on you at some where worked as a catalyst to make to strive that extra bit. Its a Thanks to them for matter who they are!...Its good to have someone.. who can point a bullet at you and tell you  that you are going to die...and you laugh it off like life is a forever promise... and bloody well prove it to them too.

As for the new love....BEN RAFTER...oh what should I even say. I love him ...thats it.
Being a ardent "FRIENDS" fan I never thought I could move on and go on to discover a show that would get all my love. But here I am.. and Packed To The Rafters is my ONLY dose of sanity in the whole day. What a brilliant family drama.. lovely characters etched well..and what a cast. Oh I could ramble on this for hours together. Its made me cry literally and laugh as well.
And here is to my recent fav. line from the show -Thats the thing about kids.- we all grow up eventually ....even though it hurts like hell.-athan.-

Thats all for now :)