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16 May 2015

A week away from Home

Week 1
So, I thought I should go back to writing my blog but something just stopped my fingers from typing it down.
But here I am , it's almost been a year since I wrote last. Its mid may and in no time MY Bombay will be swaying to the tune of the rains , well , I hope. I can sense the smell of the first..shower, sorely miss my window seat at home and falling asleep to the instrumental music already. June ... for some uncanny reason... has always been my most favorite month is, actually not an uncanny reason. June always was and will be special. Esp 9th and 22nd. :)
Its been a good long week since uae has had me. Summers first leg has been pretty harsh already and currently at 38 degrees , I just woke up from a nap only to wonder why does all of it feel so strange. Thankfully I am on the same continent and haven't gone off to the other side of this planet. Yes , I miss home. I miss my people. I miss my lanes. I miss the hour long conversations. I miss the food...my friends...their smiles. I miss the vibe of my city.
They say , as you go along .. you find something but in order to find that.. you lose a little bit of you. I ask , what if its the little bit of you...is the only thing you have?
I have heard several miss yous since I am here. Been tagged in posts over fb and instagram. Been tagging people in posts over fb and instagram  and believe me you...that has kept me going for now. I await only one miss you.. and the day I hear that.. I probably will even have my first breakdown in this city.
When I came down here, I was greeted with a chunk of mess. Being the neat freak I am. I gave it a good week to settle my entire room from scratch and unpacked my excessive luggage. The stuff is now in place while I am not. Pheeeeww , its been a task! Friends who kept in touch will know :)
After all of that drama settled... last evening I accompanied my grandmother to a local market. Man that woman can..still manage and do stuff at this age.
As the sky wore its dusky purple veil..waiting to be undressed by the stars, she and I landed up at a local bird and animal market. It was a shabby sight. My heart is still not out from the pain of watching people here grab these beauties by the scruff of their neck. I wish someone did that to them too. I could sense their desperation to be out from that cage. They were away from their home and so was I... what a connect!!
Some couldn't even move properly , the cages were too small. The onlookers were so enchanted by their beauty that they wanted to trap it. How hideous!! Do the honors of putting up yourself for a sale in such an unhealthy place. Retards bloody! ... 
Well we all crave freedom. And these creatures belong in a free world. What a well played trick..by God - give them wings and then show them the cage. I wish I could set them free. I am not saying its safe out there. Its a big bad world. But how beautiful would it be to let them be where they belong. We have auto tuned ourselves to the melodramatic life ...why watch them become a part of the "put up an act" jinx that we carry. We have got birds at home too... and I haven't spoken to them since the day I came...until today evening. I broke the ice by whistles and watching them look with great curiosity. I couldn't manage further. The cage sucks. I wont deny ... I have always wanted a pet too. A pet dog per se.... but I always wanted my dog to be a helper dog. Yes... I intend him to be one.

It would be great if people could see through what these creatures are. They are us in another attire. If you love birds... love them...but set them free. Love them enough so that they can come back and you can share your heart with them. Let them carry that heart with them as they fly off. Thats the magic of life. You cant fucking cage that magic. Well I met this one...yesterday at the market. He moved ..as I moved..blinked as I blinked... and even gave the "honey , not now. I am naked" pose...hahaha!!! 
But freedom ....where art thou ? #dubaidoobidoo

And p.s. job hunting sucks here biggg time!

1 Jun 2014

LOVE is JUNE



The month is over… and I already feel a sudden respite. My head is calm .. my fingers know the next word I want to type .. my vision is not blurred by worry. May has by far been the most annoying month of the year and like always I await june. As a kid I used to wait for june because summer break would be over and I would be back to school again. The all new start to memory wagon and the RAINS. The smell of the wet earth..the leaves swaying the grey skies and backstreet boys on loop. The purity and gaiety of childhood never returns…. Seasons do however. I sense a new beginning , I don’t know if there is going to be one but I just feel something is going to change and iron things out. I am a Rain Kid. June means magic. June means MOM and DAD. June means shopping. June means hope and June means LOVEEEEEE!!!!!!!

I wish I had a synonym for love… but I never found one. Not in books , not in the far of distances. Someone once said..love is God…my mind chuckled and said … LOVE IS JUNE!

I don’t know why I say so..but I say from the heart and no … june always hasn’t been THE month each year. Its had its share of amazingness and awfulness…oh bloody well it has.

And today being the 1st day of june this year… I felt..lets write something. I don’t care about the vocab or who is going to read it or the flow of the sentences or any darn thing. I care that I am going to put my heart out as I write what I write.

I don’t know why but this seems about right .. to write about the one person I really have loved /liked (to make it less controversial) for a really long time. The june boy. Okay umm when I fell for him I didn’t even know his entire name .. let alone his birthday. I only got to know much later ..after I had met him that he was a june boy. I met him on july 3rd… what a Sunday that was! A Sunday when I couldn’t believe who stood right before my eyes. His eyes – they were magic . You know that whole bollywoodish cum fairytaleish moment when your head is dizzy and eyes are sparkly and your mind can’t conjure what the heart wishes to say…haha it was precisely one of those over-hyped yet beautiful moment of my life. 11.37am to be bloody precise! I won’t say that I have loved him all out- uncontionally and blah blah blah… but I have kept at it for the longest time. And everything just makes me smile. I know a lot of people who might think I am out of my mind and all this is unreal. But here’s something… I don’t question it.. because the day I do … this whole thing will lose its cause and soul…which is making me HAPPY. I don’t expect or see a future… as teen may be I did so .. (c’mon I am allowed to have my fair share… when half the world can drool over and marry vampires.. all I asked for was a human) . Now I have grown out of that zone. Not the connect however. And its not something I want shall fade. It’s a story. It may be gibberish for a few but for me its something that is possibly indescribable in words. And some bonds don’t culminate into a relationship they just exist ….just like faith .. just like love… just LIKE A BLESSING. I would never discard the fact that he has always been one. I have not met a zillion boys…nor do I wish too ( Men can cause so much trouble *drama queen mode*) but I have met a decent number and I know no one will ever be like him. The look or his profession (which some may think is the count in factor) isn’t actually what matters. His beautiful brown eyes and amazing smile however do. The physical presence … I have learned via this connect isn’t required. Minds are taut devices…they know how to communicate and hearts are at par brilliance in doing that. I always wondered… what these gamut of emotions meant.. and for my answer I resorted to God… and never has he let me go disgruntled. Dangling yes…. But we all dangle no ? our lessons through these series of dangling and dwindling differ. It’s just good to have someone.. who has no idea what probably they mean to you. Its good to let your world revolve in subtle way around someone..without hampering your focus.. and its good to smile admist a dream knowing you are capable to loving if not anything else in this lifetime.

That Gorgeous birthday month is here… can’t wait : )

A good friend of mine these days has been having a good laugh over this little bits of my everyday stories and says “your life is becoming rangeen” and goes on her hahahhahaaha spree

And a childhood friend of mine quoted “ listen we are still stuck in 9th standard”

Aaaannnd my oldest childhood friend is mentally prepping up for a soon to be “new chapter” of her life…

Man we have come a long way. From candy heart kids to classroom debates…. to hops and bats to kho-kho….. to camera drama to boy discussion …to what to wear…to what to say .. to boss issues to any form of trouble ….to mummy ne yeh bola..to daddy got me something fab today..etc. Everything neatly bundled up into a memory and filling up the sleeping pillow.

All I shall write today (to anyone who needs this) .. that please oh please …lets talk about relationships. Dude…what issss this phase in life…!!!! All my friends on different levels.. my just a graduation ceremony away from being an agony aunt. Someone can’t top loving someone…someone can’t stop missing someone…someone can’t give a damn about someone…someone keeps slipping into depression…someone resorts to a total shut down..someone doesn’t know if its real..someone breaks up every second day ..someone just can’t seem to find the one.. and so on.

Dude listen .. *statutory warning: I haven’t been in a relationship …so may be I don’t get you.. but this isn’t the first time I am being a shoulder or a ear or a heart to someones deep wounds* .. so lets just have my say on this. ----Relationship constituents – TIME HEART and FAITH! Not geography not money ..not physicality not fashion..not education. Its lke a paper heart string.. you cut out one and at the end connect up to so many …buuuttt only one of them is close. That heart could be anyone.. a teacher a parent a dog a plant your guitar a piece of art just anything on this darn face of earth. All you need to know there is exists an unexplainable connection and trust me nothing breaks that communication. Not even the ugliesttttt scars. However its imperative for me to mention ..please don’t wear blinkers and mock your own beautiful life. No matter how obsolete things may seem…or you wish to run away or perish … boss be there. A relationship or for that matter love EMPOWERS. No fucking one said …there wont be heart breaks…oh bloody there will be …may be many ..may be few…may be just one. You will feel immense disappointment ..the anger pain.. the worry the questions ..the lonely spree…or may be phases of escapism. Look I was taught my mother..that I am born as an individual ..my karmas are mine. I shall die..the way I came…alone. It’s a universal rule. But she never said …kid don’t be attached to someone or something. Who it shall be.. was my call more often than not. Why should I vault over the consequence when I did pretty much make a choice. No one is here to succumb to the wounded memories…. Its just that we at times fail to realize and look at life from a perspective of an individual. No love is fake. If its fake its not love. So please don’t regard your efforts as shit. Just because someone doesn’t appreciate doesn’t mean no one has kept a tab… God has his own set of accounts. Where most kids/teens/ youth today have grown tremendously impatient with their relationships .. I don’t know why no one sees ..that yes… you have to be happy too…not just the other person. You have to learn and respect too…not just expect that. You have to build a relationship into one ..being two different minds..with hearts in unison. You don’t have to stagnate .. you have to improve. You don’t have to blindly build a bond.. you have to take a like its for your own life forever. You don’t have to treat it like an activity you have to treat it like a matter of heart. Give each other dreams wings of belief. Reason out things. Make plans and work them out. Its called falling in love…not hopelessness (self quote) hehe! Do that. And yeah…… listen… if things don’t work out ..get ugly and you have to walk away …bossy … get a grip of your life please. Not everyone shall make your life colourful no ? never under estimate or draw conclusions about yourself over the spill of past…never ever. Don’t let anything broken cement you into it. You love a person ..great.Hope good for them and do good for yourself. Don’t hinge in stupidity. We all want things to work out.. but there is no point in ruining a self that you’d end up hating eventually. Take it as a chapter…or maybe a page.. whatever you make like.. and make it count…not CRY! You are grown up enough to deal with things.. and you are aware enough that more than anything else in the god damn world you need yourself… not pointless reflections.. your true self.. that can slap you in the face and make you realize you have a purpose.. and that is to be Happy. Someone once said… a day without smile ..is a day wasted… I agree. …So hang in there.. and the sun will show up .. if not .. I promise I will sit under the blanket of stars and hear your woes.. like I always have. Much more love than you need…via this hug! ( Dear God.. please gift me with a halo if not a …honda accord will work) *grinning*



Closing with the lines ..of my current heart throbs new movie (Sid)…p.s. my list never ends it gets difficult to keep a track hahahaha!

Pal do pal

Ki kyun hai zindagi

Is pyaar ko hai

Saadiyan kaafi nai

Toh khuda se maanglu

Mohalaat mein ek nayi

Rehna hai bas yahan

Abh door tujhse jaana nai



See you soon :)



26 Apr 2014

Found In a Mess

Found In A Mess

Rare are the days when your dad will say "Bachey start writing." I have never had the faith in the words I have penned or typed. I disagree with anyone who says I can be a writer ...SOMEDAY (ssshh my school principal said that too -infact she wanted me to write a book). I am writing here after a good gap of year ....umm...sorry I'll use the word I do - I am ramblinggggggg.. Needless to say alot has happened and alot has changed. Great let downs and great highs. Disappointments..tears....smiles ..laughter and hell lotta question marks. That's all that happened this year. I didn't get to savor the delight of my own victory. I was baffled by the events that I lost a  grip of my own life and de fragmented  myself in a way that made me nothing but vulnerable. I frowned more often ..I whined more often and I just went with the flow like a dead fish would. I didn't attend to my inner voice. I had my creative work to give me good jolt to make things work finally but I guess I needed something more. Something that was suffice to be a hammer and a halo at the same time. I won't say I have found that way as yet. I surely haven't. But I am finding bits of me strewn and picking those up to build me back... A me I loved a Me others loved.
Whats new -Work Life
Whats needed-Focus and Belief
Whats there- Love and compassion  anddddddddddd....a "to do list"
Whats the center of life - Meraki
Whats gone and over - The faith that I can be a good anything-friend-daughter-sister..blah blah
What remains- dreams tucked in so well ...and sometimes they don't know they exist
What I wish for - *girly voice-insert -A Date with Mr S Malhotra* ..... hahaha how I wish I could marry him
What should change this year - My weight *angelic look -pleaseeee* ...and my bank balance .....pleaseeeeee...
What I am going to change this year -MY ATTITUDE TOWARDS MY OWN LIFE .
I mean I am done with listening to broken records and words that sound like life won't ever get any better. I am done telling myself to keep waiting. It's time to take things in a better stride and have the courage to seek answers to may be the most dumbest questions ever. It's time to discard the creative disbelief ..It's time to stop being the one who waits for a confirmation and just be spontaneous and it's time to make it happen rather than having the damsel in distress attitude.

“Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.”-RUMI
This is for a friend( and anyone who needs this).... and this is to let her know ..that life isn't dandy ...its bloody not meant to be. When things cripple you .. you don't give into the devils play ..you straddle up and get into the zone of crushing the devil. Someone .. once threw a brilliant advice that said.. "If you don't break.. you don't build... if you don't fall you seldom rise." It takes a lot of faith and courage to hinge yourself to hopes of better tomorrow when everything backfires at you. Its not easy to deal with pain and the emotional drain out..let alone the physical and mental. Nothing is easy ... nothing at all .. its purely a gimmick if anyone says it is.  Google is gone so complicated... and you expect life to not be ? C'mon ... its all the scaling of these steep climbs that make u hell stronger than you ought to be.  But if you keep fearing the height and the harshness of it all ..you will be where you are....and stagnate and perish. You need to define you constantly. Not the people ..not a degree...not a boyfriend...not a heck of anyone else...but you . If you let your troubles tower up...thats your problem... you gave them the freedom and space too. Kill it crush it.. and rub your achievements in its face ..then see what unfolds. 
Its true what a friend once told me - "you can't have control over anything ..then why put yourself in such a traumatic state. Its your life. You know what you want from it. Go extract or else go extinct." 
Come to think of it...its true right ?.. there is no replica of you. Then why curb yourself every single day from the joy of being yourself. You are meant to rejoice it not 100..1000 other people. Take a stand. Take pride in being yourself and sculpt yourself with every tool life has handed over to you.
And if nothing...scroll up ...Read the most precious words of RUMI ! ..... Such a gorgeous word TREASURE.....!!! :) Do you believe you are one ? give it a try ...it's worth it. (ssshhhhh HINT-...it's always found in a mess)
 A virtual hug and kiss to anyone who is feeling down ... and even if you are not... hugs and kisses are good for health ...hehehe. Muchhhhh love!!! 
p.s Dad I Wrote ..............opps...rambled!

29 Mar 2013

Hatred+Jealousy .. Confusion+Anger ... Friendships...Life ...Love... Failure...Gratitude and a Story

Well , It's been a while.
Things have kept me busy. The platter was almost next to full. Nothing really productive about the full though.
College life is hectic. Submissions and presentations have grilled me like some toast. Though all of them have been really good..I can't say I am confident enough. I guess.. I never was.
Sometimes its difficult to accept that the rules are different for everybody. People two year younger to you could actually give you a run for your money and are acing the game that you thought you knew well and could handle it smoothly. Past few months have been a lot running around and ending up with nothing. It hurts. When you lie awake till 6am and sleep up till 11.30am... and wake up all grumpy and annoyed. yeah well..sleep and me...dont get along that well.
This emotional tangle has been driving me to my wits end. I miss the old me terribly. I am away and shut most of the time. Arguing angry ...like wanting to pick things and throw them and watch something break. Ofcourse there are reasons why I am feeling like that and writing them down is only going to make me cry and wake up with swollen eyes. So I wont go there.
Hatred and Jealousy seem to be at the hilt over the past few weeks. The the way a few people conduct themselves kind off upsets me at times..... ummm.. most of the times. I don't retaliate like a volcano .. no point. I have even some where stopped praying or having faith. Given up on a certain things and people. Lost a count of the deadlines i didnt keep upto for myself. Don't recollect the last time I met my best friend. Its just been such a "this is not the life i ordered" phase. Even art fails to bring me peace these days..and Facebook doesnt make me smile any longer the way it used to. A lot has changed and a major portion of that -alot- isn't what I needed. But who said that I get to make choices. Life still plays its card and I still make those rookie mistakes. Gosh ..Where am I????
As far career things go. Eh...no clue yet. The diploma will get done my june and post grad diploma by july. Where did the year go by ...No idea.
And when will design make an entry in my life as a career option ...for good... no idea about that either.

And to my friends... with whom I haven't kept in touch for longer than I thought. I won't say sorry. That word has lost its meaning over the years. But I will tell you ...I miss you and I haven't forgotten you...never will. And I hope.. soon enough I get the time to catch up ..or if not.. then chat up :)!! Thanks for being there.
As for new friends.. well.. I am living it up this year in college as far as friendships go and I do ... sincerely hope that once the term ends.. the friendship arches down to many many more years. Seemu.. yes.. finally I am addressed by nick name than my actual name.

Life has got complicated and confusing and there is this sickening feeling of...no progress. God knows WHY! But a talk with a friend cheered me up last night while I was in no mood to even look at the adorable two bars of chocolate. I was totally off the tangent...angry..weepy and thought I couldn't keep up.
But well... A friend in need is a friend indeed.

There is one advice my Doc gave my Dad- Leave her alone and let her be. I wont say he has kept to it even a little. But my doctor could see through. Well he is like a Grandad and for that I adore him.  I better start keeping the promise I made to my doctor.

Love...Oh Sweet Love. Of all the things I know...I know Love doesnt come easy and if at all its easy..its not worth it. I am not saying Love should be hard....but ...Love does arrive with its own set of 'this and that'..'then and now' 'if and whys'....'forever or never'...!! I remember the person I fell for when I was 16 ..and I like the way history has repeated with my sister... I mean not love wise.. just the way "the meeting" happened.. and oh yeah its the same person. Its a blessing she doesnt Love him... I don't still either. But I do remember how much I had prayed for days together for this one person and I am glad to see things I wanted for him come true. I don't mind being Friends though.
Besides that .. I see the way Love has come and gone off in my "xzy" friends...and Friends... and more friends lives and all I have to tell them ....is that Love has to beautiful... just that.. and nothing more.. it has be a journey filled with smiles ...memories that could hide up the tears in your eyes ... moments...words...and faith. Thats all...!!!
And well my sister wants me to get married asap.. so that I can have babies...and she can play with them. Eviliest younger sister...could be the better way to put it. Its good to see her grow...not good to see the way things are going though. Well..she will learn in time... despite of the several warnings that she hasnt paid heed too. and her..."not at all cool/accepted" conduct... I think...I need to let go. I have done what I can as a sister...beyond that...the lessons are meant for her.

Failure...is ofcourse harsh. To tackle failure as a lesson and not as a stagnation point needs alot of knowing yourself. And I think its crucial to be thankful to the events in life that lead you to fail no matter at what front and at what time frame in life. If you do look back... it is all these failures.. or all these people who kept looking down on you at some where worked as a catalyst to make to strive that extra bit. Its a Thanks to them for it...no matter who they are!...Its good to have someone.. who can point a bullet at you and tell you  that you are going to die...and you laugh it off like life is a forever promise... and bloody well prove it to them too.

As for the new love....BEN RAFTER...oh what should I even say. I love him ...thats it.
Being a ardent "FRIENDS" fan I never thought I could move on and go on to discover a show that would get all my love. But here I am.. and Packed To The Rafters is my ONLY dose of sanity in the whole day. What a brilliant family drama.. lovely characters etched well..and what a cast. Oh I could ramble on this for hours together. Its made me cry ..like literally and laugh as well.
And here is to my recent fav. line from the show -Thats the thing about kids.- we all grow up eventually ....even though it hurts like hell.-athan.-

Thats all for now :)

18 Jan 2013

CROWDED HEAVEN

Wake Me Up From This Broken Dream pleaseee!!!
2012 gone by in a blink... whats left to recollect is how I called in that "famous all over the world calendar year " and this "I am glad you came.......well lets see year"!! Studies and Exams it was... gosh the academics out here I tell you.  One can go on scribbling answers over endless pages and land up being nothing but raw when in the industry !! Time to pull up the sleeves and dive into practical learning now- like HIGH TIME!!!
Sometimes... all that one has planned  about just seems like a mirage, it draws you in and then leaves you disappointed .
I am still on the road with too many curves and bends. Yes, there are days when I wish for an easier way to be out because sometimes all that happens is a little too much to deal with at one time. The road gets blocked , the vision gets blurred , the story sounds like a broken record and the only thing your heart can manage to mutter is - Give Up Dammit.... just Give Up!!! Like and unending -clueless-pointless-emotionally and mentally draining maze!
Who are People? The wide- and so to say "wise" audience who judge us or that tiny inner voice that keeps squeaking a zillion things in a single go?! seriously who are people... the one you see... or the ones who see you??? .... the ones you know... or the ones you don't .... ??? or just one person .... its all that "people" you and I talk about .....??? and if at all it is that one person... then its YOURSELF!! Come to think of it ... what matters at the end of all the Who's is .. which one manages to take the lead - to make a difference in that bit of YOU!!! People aren't just additions ...they aren't just shades ..they aren't just numbers and voices.... its a summary of YOU!!!  How and When.. turns out to be a gradual process. 
Now... whats Heaven ??? ahhh...Happiness....Isn't it?
And What's Happiness???? making money ? topping an exam? making new friends? overcoming fears? talking to someone? meeting a person after ages? creating something? all that materialistic paradise? reading on a rainy day with hot chocolate milk ? a bike ride in winters? shopping? making people smile? breaking someones heart? being the love of someones life? facebooking? sports? making music?writing? star gazing? long beach walks? a kiss beneath the moonlight? a slow dance? a basket full of garden fresh strawberries ? watching little babies? photography ? nature? adventure? getting married? celebrations ? getting a deal? hearing i love you /miss you .. all those you's? watching a movie? a hug? moms shoulder? dad's advice? petty fights with siblings ? painting? travelling?making the dreams come true ? peace? moreeeeeee.......and soooooooo much...to add on to the list....... Just what is this happiness ?- Victory that prevails or Victory that fades... ??? Victory that you need? Victory that you earn ? Victory that is yours to call... or gifted by the world???? Is Happiness Victory........YES it is !!!! Its just like A Cake!!! We all Love it .... but  we like our own kinda slice... with our choice of icing, flavor and our bit of Heaven ....!!! We spend all our life  trying to grab a bite of this "customized" Slice!!!! ...and the only job left on us to do .... is... when we have grabbed that very bit ... of the heaven ... we gotta make it WORTH IT!
I have been busy like a rat trying to find cheese all day  (sorry to get into food... its ticking 5.00am in the morning and all I can  think about is food)... my heart took to penning anger and sadness due to various reasons... one of them being ... is feeling- of a loser..never good enough ... not even tiny bit capable.....
another being... the oh so family "much needed drama".... gosh they can never read me true...
and then ofcourse the one festival..college festival ..which I was working towards with all my heart and creativity... gets scrapped...
a wedding...... God... I just can't seem to enjoy them .. especially when there are streaks of jealousy... and the whole alienated feeling.... seeping in through and through and ripping you till your emotionally low and leveling up on anger ... anddddd....when in a roooooooooooooooom full of crowd... no matter where you walk up to... you are ALONEEE...
the sudden distance with friends... due to what so ever reason...
the no job....no money-- death rope...
the no weight loss...
the mounting expenses...
the "i am soooo tired to putting up with that smile"...
the " i miss an idiot" feeling....
and i could justttttt go on.......blah bleh blue.............kinda goes well... its winters... and  I need to get a life.... but until then the blue can stay.....
while heaven shall weave itself...for me to seek it well!!!!!
Its's indeed a crowded place.... 
and all I know is a Face..... just the face...nothing beyond....nothing ...more inspiring as yet....!!!
Could I be anymore...droppy eyed???
 .................Oh C'mon.... its just another day.... that will wind up with me whining again ...!!!
Hence... I said.... 
Wake Me Up From This Broken Dream pleaseee!!!

9 Dec 2012

Too Much ..on A SINGLE Platter

Ah A Single Life!
Wonder treads in each day ..gently tapping my head and pushing me off the edge. Nothing comes Easy and if you want something --> its going to be a tedious warfare between the heart , mind and faith.
Calling in for challenge is a nasty routine each day. Reduction in the sleep hours still stays and...the days when the effort pays of that rush of happiness tingles through and through.
But I am still ME ..still stupid... still not responsible ..still not giving and STILL CLUELESS...Dammit!!!
I wish I were a nomad... with no cares in the world just the restless gait of search filling up the need of the days. Just the foot , eyes and soul travelling.
I wish I could breathe my dreams rather than merely etching them when dark skies paint the canvas of above.
The sky however...these days.. no matter how dark... lets me look at the stars. Gosh I miss going up each evening on my terrace ...or to the beach once a week and watch orange brush strokes . Its an outstanding sight.
Look.. I know there is a lot to learn and in time it will all fall into place. But I don't know how to tame or calm my *oh so - why the heck are the things not working out* self down!!!!
And well....Love never booked a room yet . Just these betraying images did and captivated me for long... like hell long.
I think growing up is a boring business and there is no fun class to it. There are super rough days and it gets all the more grilling if you are one of those who doesn't like to hurt others. I mean why the heck would you.
So its a emotional state of - losing a balance of wisdom and getting trapped in that crazy whirlwind  of words  and events.
I am no saint. Not meant to be one.
I need time - to change - to improve - to discover - TO PROVE!!
If I will to conquer ... I must start with myself first. I am done waiting and done wishing others changed.
They won't - unless something really massive urges them to.
My Massive for this Moment is - ME!!!!
I am growing tired of this image I have..not that it is bad its just that its stagnant.
Beauty can't be random... it blooms through this aching moments. Moments when you hate yourself so bad that you are willing to churn yourself and put the best foot forward in any way you can .
I now also know that ... the pain that cloaks and wraps us ... will never fade. Atl east for me it won't ..it bloody won't. And all those people you love... will leave your side... YES they will.
There is  something called as stand alone.... it must be applied .
Its the only damn way in which you can speak for yourself.
I have been broken several times ... (no no ... not a boyfriend issue....eshhh)... just you know how life swings about... one moment high.. and then slowly a down swing... *bangs her hand on the desk* ... should have known from  childhood... that is the lesson of  LIFE !
Now I do.
Now.. I also know... that I won't rub those... dreams - those things I wish to achieve- no matter how long it takes... I will.
Like... I said.. I am done waiting.
The heart shall now remain a place.. only for the things that make me happy ... as for the unhappiness... I can't undo those... all I can do is ... Lock them up .. rather than leaving them to wander about ...

Some of us are lucky enough to deal with the things we love.
The rest of us simply have to deal with all of that .. which we never planned for...
As for me... Hah!!!
It will be ... more fantastic .. than I ever thought..!!!....Challenge ??? :)!!!

See YA!

6 Nov 2012

SEARCH

www.google.com...
sorry
why the heck even take the effort to type down "www"..
shortcuts
simpler life
complicated technology
distance put to rest by an sms ...yeah thats where we are...
i hate this age i am in
i hate the way a clock rules my life.... i wonder how more dramatic things will get once i have a job.
and yes i wish google could give me all my answers.
it cant .... in a zillion years it cant
not because the high end and rapid changes in science and tech cant bring us that ... but just because.... often whats needed..is not a search on the internet... its the search done by scarping the various layers of time...and moments of the day.. scraping them to figure... what the hell it really was -is- could be....
it feels like ages ... since i have written here... not because i was too caught up.... yes i was..but not so much that it would keep me away from here...whether someone out there reads it or no.
so this search... whats it all about.... and why .
i think its important to feel let down... its important that life puts us through trials..its important to be heart broken..its important to cry... and its important to question.
often lost in stories of wonder which dont seem to end... i get caught up in the rough wind of emotions that bar me from welcoming a brighter tomorrow.
i wont say life hasnt changed.  it has but.. along this pathway of change.. i have turned more into a rebillion than the one who understands- accepts -and changes things for the better.
i lie awake.. at dead hours of night... with mad rushing thoughts..thinking ..and feeling like a failure. i shouldnt be saying this considering how blessed i am - to have a family - to get a two time meal- to study - to communicate- and all of that.  but these days... its certainly different... i draw myself into chattering crowd to find silence. i barely pray anymore... and listen to the spluttering sounds of the doubts born to blind me . the glint in the eyes has disappeared. the will to perform and prove is diminishing. i am closer to adapting the words often said- useless - thankless- cant keep anyone happy.
there are people who love you .... or rather things... who get you to love them  so much  that you dont have time for anything else.
i am tired of figuring out what the hell is this search all about though.... search for love- money - career- fame- creativity- friend- understanding- courage- faith -peace-happiness...what ..just what..
dreams dont seem to find an exit..
life gets grilling ..
but as time arches to tomorrow.... even though the day fails me right down till night... and i am left with nothing but ..so much of ache which is hard to spell..
i know...that one day... i will be brave enough to break barriers and define a place beyond the skies..
one day ... darkness indeed will be my best friend for it lead  me to the light in way nothing else could have...
one day... the music of hope will help me pen a song... a song... where a string of achievements reside and laughter blossoms..
like i wrote a few days back...as my update.... "best people in life are the ones who treat you in the worst possible manner for no given reason and often they are the ones who are your very own "
someday ...people who don't know will see... and grow up to know.... that each of us is special ....and there is this jar of unique star dust ...we own... it helps us shine when its TIME...
bitter gales are just a test...or the best URL  to hunt the true "shining" person within you .
its hard ofcourse .... but i hear everything in this world comes with a balance ......i just hope those aren't rumours ....
from now till i write next (dont know when )- take care .

16 Sep 2012

OH Dear..

wow..
this week has been super fast . It feels like sunday just went by..like just. the coming week will spell alot of planning ...alot of sorting work to start..decide specific avenues ..meet ups..and gosh i can't even remember what more..i just know more :)
there was once upon a time ..i loved getting to know people , somehow that took a backseat ..but i m glad i am trying to get back to that Me , its going to be slow ..but eventually :)
whats been new - ahh .trying to sleep early ..(shh i fail at it though )
whats been the same - ahh that i m still spending money like water
what i wish changes - my anger and manner of talking its become way to rude
whats fun- classes each day ..oh i am such a happy girl then
what sucks - ..the fact that i dont know what career to chose , that i dont have a job , i m not a good learner, my art is going to the dogs , certain other stuff...and eh growing up...
what i am thinking about right now- ganu coming home
what i dearly miss- gakkai, friends, roxy, childhood.
whats up next-err sleep ..maybe ?
what song i am hooked onto these days - oh well- undone  and ishqwala love
whats something i have been waiting to do- watch moviesssss
what i am looking forward to post two months - oh goshhhhh exams...and assignments ...n north trip :):)..amritsar will hopefully- finally happen :)  satnam waheguru :)
what in store for tomorrow- a poem i have been wanting to complete since long and lots more.
to you reading this ..
this was what my birthday was like ...













9 Sep 2012

A Little Bit of Me ...



I am still The shy girl with a gazillion dreams ..that weave themselves into my heart each day..moment after moment...
I still believe ..restrictions can make u a rebellion or fine tune u into a loner...
I'll agree to when -people say- break the rules.. let go of the guard.. stumbling down is better than not moving at all...
I'll still choose purple over pink...white over black and red over blue..
I'd say nature and its offerings are the best companions ever ..if you strike a dialogue with them you need nothing more...
I like the idea...of getting home a dog than having a boyfriend...
I love people...who love art...who know what its like to evolve through that medium... they inspire me..
I fall for the glint in the eyes of small kids and their adorable laughter...cute hugs...
Surprises are preferred over plans...and letters instead of emails...
Nothing in the world...like the rains...not even the sun..not even the snow...
Cartoons still make me laugh like a kid...
I'd prefer staying home... than going clubbing...
I find relaxation either when i m watching a movie or m done dealing with something that has made my head scream ouch...
I love cars more than barbies...and once upon a time i lovedddd video games...
sea planes are my new love and fighter planes will always be the love
 i have the ardent wish to defy gravity someday...
 i want to seriously hold a white -flawless snake once....even turquoise would do...and get into a cave where stalactite and stalagmite have a home..
 I want to pet a harpy eagle or a white owl...or the tiny one (i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee owls)
haha..i wish i could solve a maths paper without making a single mistake...
pillows ..walls and air...know a hell lot more about me than anybody on this face of the earth...
i want to watch seven comets at once...seven rainbows at once... and seven constellations at once...
birthdays means...cards cakes and wishes arching to coming years.....
i can not travel by a train...in india...
a beach side dinner sounds better than a too highly sophisticated dinner...
i want to see a blue whale right before me...
a blank paper and a pencil are amazing friends...
sometimes it is better to cripple with pain than speak up and ruin everything u managed to work for...
stairs are better than elevator...
i want to create someday... a buliding...probably in uae or vegas... which is mind boggling...
i do believe in santa.... and fairies...
if you dont enjoy your own company..dont expect others to...
its good to listen to others... but never turn deaf to your voice...
magic...is inviting
ripleys is amazing....
i want to learn how to ride a horse...i loveeeeee the galloping beauties.... i'll name mine stallion
air rifle shooting.. archery ... figure skating....loveeee them...
basketballers ...and dancers will always steal my heart...
bull fighting will remain my favorite sport ...
i wonder what it would be like to stand on the top most peak of the himalayas...
i want to witness an avalanche from a distance...
hitler...is still my favourite...
youth is the most crucial time to cultivate and groom yourself...
having a converstaion with yourself at times can be the best stress buster... or else... a cold shower...
I write ...no i ramble... i dont read... i m stupid... and make tons of silly mistakes...
I dont know to cook..neither m i a foodie...but i loveee good food...-veg- to b specific...
i do not make friends easily... i think alot before trusting a person...n once i do..even if they break my trust...i m yet foolishly attached to them...
i love my mom to death...and argue the most with my father...like a friend...not that i dont fight with mom...they are just a little more fierce ...:P
long walks... are a blessing...
swings call out to me and memories of my childhood...
i fall head over heels for on screen characters...n yes edward isnt in that list...
music plucks my string of thoughts...
poets build a home within me...
the world of science baffles me...and makes me wonder HOW...
universe...was..and will be my love...the space...the galaxies... the stars intertwined ...feels like destiny asking me...never ..to give up...
i dont fear death anymore...had pretty close encounters...
competition should only and only be with yourself...
if their was a chance i could to talk to or meet someone who was no more...it will be einstein ..galileo ..lady diana and mother teresa
i want to go to the artic once..to watch the nothern lights...
i want to tame a brazilian jaguar...or a tiger...swim with sharks and dolphins...meet sinbad the liger.. and travel the world...study art and culture...learn ..what was once my love-dance...
write stories for my grandchildren (haha this is funny considerng how afraid i am of marriage )
fall in love with this guy who makes the whole world seem like some paradise..
be the best daughter i can...
learn to make desserts.. ahaha..i have a sweet tusk...
work for the society....and like i said...a gazillion stuff more...
keep my friends etched into the word family...
and gather myself each time..something breaks me down...the only way to live is to walk the road...:)!!!
write a poetry to mr bachan and my mentor- daisaku ikeda once...
have rajma rice with shahrukh...
meet christian bale.. ohh well i cud go on...thats how...i go about..i ramble... :P
if we are friends and havent fought even once...we are on the absolute elementary level of friendship in my books then...
prayers makes life worth...
having ambitions is the fuel..
creating value is the mission...
and never giving in to lashing circumstances is the key...:)!!!
its better to be a part of mystery than predictablity ...
the sound of the piano has me forever...
m a owl...sleeping at the wee hours ...is pretty much me..
my cellphone.. its the most loved and abused thing around me...
irritating me ..is the easiest thing to do... hah...afterall i have a fowl temper...
clicking pictures is my way of wheeling my time to some purpose... creativity is my hook of love.. i orbit around it...
i love sarcasm... i love FRIENDS...phoebe and joey the most...my life is incomplete without these new yorkers...
i am fruits ...cheese...and paneer....girl...
thumps is my drug ...since alcohol is a thought miles and miles away...
greed and jealousy are my sins...
bugatti veyron 16.4 grand sport...yes id love t own that someday...
nothing compares to school life ...i still cherish the day when my poem got published n my principal spoke to me personally sharing her expectations ..with me..:)
i want to have one birthday...celebration in greece...and other at amritsar...
i hateeeeee cricket
i am not a punjabi.....m a sindhi... but i do not like the language... and prefer..talking lil broken punjabi...
there is alot in life to learn about...
m injury prone...
and loveeeeeeee blue eyes...
saying no is hell lot easier than a yes..
batman is the coolest superhero...
hindu mythological stories amaze me..
the biggest and truest religion that can ever be..is humanity..
isnt it better to just lie down and look up at the ceiling some nights..
yes shopping is indeed a therapy ...also creating something is....
i love to watch the moon...
i nickname the people i really care for...
Watching tv keeps me engrossed ..
I believe if you keep your eyes open ..an be present in the moment  there are hings that you must have never thought about that live to inspire you..
there are two people i miss the most... masi and bua.. because the only time i will ever be able to meet them is when i go to heaven (if at all my chances are bright)

i enjoy gossip....:)
i fear water...and heights...and yet desire to do adventure sports ...(parasailing was soooooooooooo much fun)
i think people back in time...used their brain miilion times more..better than what we do today...its evident from their work that lives with us...
nostradamus ..was not bad....he was just another person...dont we too speak about ill happening..n other such stuff? at times we do...
confusion honestly leads you to dig into better ways and solutions...
procastination happens...when something else becomes more important than your dreams..
you need the bullies... so that you can learn to fight back...and be heard..
peace can only be found..when u r ready to work for it...so is happiness....
politics sucks...
making money is easy.... knowing what to do with it is not....
fantasy..of hogwarts grabs a yes from me...
appreciation and gratitude are the toughest qualities to inculcate..so is humbleness...and compassion ...
knowing few people really well is better than knowing a group of monkeys...
the steeper the climb....the better the view...
its always better to break a few bones by giving the best you have got rather than doubting... and not trying...
failure shouldnt throw you off track.. and achievements should not let the devil in you ..out for a jaunt..
keeping secrets...and playing pranks... are things to do...
sneaking out and getting in trouble is also a must...
Folding your hands before God...and asking for forgiveness... is the chance ..you have each day...he doesnt believe in set offs...but lessons that will make us better...
A tomorrow already rests in the palm our hands...time can be evil to snatch that away...
Before it does...A today lies wide awake...to be held ..to tell a story...worth enough to gift the tomorrow to us...
I DO ...isn't the hurdle...try it out... and dig a grave for I Don't...
These are thoughts.....
Thoughts scribbled ahead of my Name...
For now...
GoodNight....and Sweet Dreams...:)!

6 Sep 2012

Lone Leaf



In this bitter silence

I dangle like a lone leaf

Bounded with the thoughts of tomorrow

That never put me to sleep

Who is there to stand by

I wish the name was known

And then you realize

Its a battle you have to fight on your own

Keep away the emotions

So even the closest heart in the world would never know


How and when got there

Pierced by the arrows sent by the times bow

In prayer when your tremble

And people make you weak

Its these harsh moments

That willingly guide you to seek

What fear will take away

Courage will return ten fold

The winds that gather then

Will no more keep the story untold

I watch the clock at first

And then turn to the blank side

For I'll not let aching wait

Turn into a devastating tide

Sooo.....

In this bitter silence

I dangle like a lone leaf

Bounded with the thoughts of tomorrow

BUT the dreams are mine to keep...