Total Pageviews

13 Jul 2012

Criss Cross Happiness

Wow..Its been nearly a month...not that i am an ardent blogger or have learnt the ropes for this particular activity...but still... i return here... return to note down..whats its been like.. so that later ahead when i head back here...i know where i was ..and why...
well...alots been happening...
I am writing this today...because.. its better than looking at some boring soap going on tv... better than waiting for a friend to know.. better than keeping stuff inside.
Exams got over today....and lets say i am absolutely disappointed...not that i should crib over it.. because i never prepared for something which i knew is important... Moms right... I waste alot of time.. a book could be written on it.
Out of 6 i could make it for only 4 papers.. i was half an hour late for each of them.. left 20 marks in all as time ran out... and wrote like as i had never been taught handwriting ever...
I crushes me in my head enough to know the way this examination process treats me each time.
Lets say God wanted to teach me a lesson
I'll atleast pray that some decent marks come my way...

Thats one part of the story
shouldn't i be happy that exams are over and i can look forward to do other stuff during the month???? ....instead i feel clobbered
and the reason isnt just exams... its a hell lot of things...
No career path chalked out... no job.. no independence... no stability..no patience or dedication ...
It feels like the hardest puzzle ever....
No love found....(I don't think the people i love... will ever care enough to know that i do)
Parents unhappy....
Lives of friends... relatives.... some others...
The vast fields of dreams
and last but not the least.. this massive grip of restlessness ....
never ends...never changes for the better...
Yet admist this....in this deep ditch of mess...where the heart lays injured of so many things being told over and over again... there is some grain..that plugs in not to give up..
It could be a strenuous climb..with too many hurdles... and here.. they keep building on as if they dont have any other work...
There are nights and nights in a row where i dont sleep....and wake up with a heavy head later...
I am certainly lost in this crowd...
Looking for hands to hold..
Foolish enough... to not trust my own feet to lead me...
drugged by many emotions of loved ones...
jealous at times..of the ones who have gotten there first...
its like leaving a unpleasant dream each day.... saying time and again.. this is not the life i ordered...
just holding it all in together.. hoping you dont breakdown... actor in this world afterall...
A mask is on for now...
The walk continues...
But i'll say this..... its never been a steady road...never...
however....if your lucky ..you'll find some seedlings of happiness along the way.....that is..if you aware enough to know that they are...
Whatever this today was about.... and whatever tomorrow may be...
The seedlings take years to turn into a fruitful tree... so lets just stick with that...Hoping that someday.. everything will be different...in an amazing way....
making some sense out of the criss cross happiness..that lead us here....

Have a sweet weekend...
And i'll just try to be better than ok... :)
Take Care....